a very chaotic day, with people busy filling their DG44 forms and making sure that everything is completed... i received the form with mixed feelings, on whether to fill it or not. technically, i am eligible to apply, i comply to the sufficient service time required and i passed the necessary exams needed... so why am i feeling like this?
people around me said that it is my right, i earned it fair and square, so what's with the long face?
personally, i lost the will to aim for all these increments and perks when i was jolted back to reality with the constant lingering feeling of guilt due to the fact that i did not perform as much as i am being paid, an issue that is always being brought up when my name was being mentioned... i was stripped bare with issues of what's right and what's wrong, the concept of halal and haram, and how my present condition was seen as being incompetent rather that me not being able to give and give like what i have been doing for the past 9 years of my teaching career..
people who understood my situation would say that i am being foolish, stupid enough to take heed of those useless people who love to vilipend and question my self worth and my capabilities... i appreciate their undivided faith n support but then again...
i am also an ordinary human being, with a good set of ears and a sensitive heart, a weak one but still sensitive nevertheless...
so do tell me what am i supposed to feel when i heard negative remarks towards me? i might cover them with my smile but pieces of me are crumbling, bit by bit....
thank you so very much that... i hope you will feel what i have been feeling all these while and if Allah is kind enough, HE will let me be there as a constant reminder of how much pain you have brought upon me...
