INTANvention!!

I AM GOING TO TAKE A VERY LONG HIATUS...

i just dont know what to write anymore...

i think i lost my muse...

Blog 99: eh?

the similarities..

both main characters in these movies have the same illness as me...

 n both of them did not make it... 

the question is...

can i beat the odds?

and if it is my time to go...

will i be ready?

Blog 98: double standard...

hidup ni penuh dengan situasi double standard, kan? x pecaya? kadang2 aku rase situasi aku pon ade gak sikit2 elemen double standardnye....

bile manusia golongan aku yg ala2 saiz triple xxxl, yg sakit jantong or darah tinggi or kencing manis, serta merta pikiran org akan terus piker, tula.. sape suroh x jage makan? sape suroh melantak cam x penah nampak makanan? kalau filem melayu yg ade scene org tumbam musti ade scene makan macam raksasa gorgon.. amek peha ayam belasah makan macam x penah nampak ayam goreng... aish.... setau akula yg x penah kurus ni... x penah sekali pon aku makan cam dinasor t-rex, terpelanting sume ayam goreng n beef steak...

cube kalau aku ni selim melim 45 kilo, muka plak sejibik cam nora elena, tetibe cakap ade sakit jantong sure ramai yg simpati siap berlari2 dalam hujan lalu terjelepok jatuh melutut sambil menadah tangan ke langit skali ngan bercucuran air mata sambil berkata, "why God? why her? why do you make her suffer?".... haish....

bile aku cakap my heart is failing, ramai yg bagi first impression begini...

a) jaga makan tu, elak kan makan menda berkolestrol tinggi... cuba diet sikit, kurangkan makan nasik..

b) cube eksersais sikit, duduk jek... skali skala jogging ke, brisk walking ke... swimming ke....

pasal ape?... pasal aku x kurus... cuba kalau aku versi nora elena yg 45 kilo tu... takdenye org suruh diet ke, jogging ke... adil ke tak?

aku bukan nye marah, dah lama aku berhadapan dengan sikap sesetengah manusia yg double standard camni... dah x rase ape dah.. cuma kadang2 aku sedih bila kata2 nasihat ni datang from orang2 yg rapat ngan aku (relatives, colleagues etc) yg boleh nampak dengan jelas perbezaan aku bile aku sakit n bila aku rase ok sikit....

tapi ape yg aku boleh buat? mulut orang bukan aku boleh kawal... tula pasal kadang2 aku harap sangat supaya golongan yg suka bagi nasihat ni sila lah buat research sikit... don't get me wrong, bukan nya aku ni perasan bagos sampai tak boleh terima nasihat, cuma kadang2 nawaitu awal yg baik bile dah start makan dalam, dah jadik lain pulak ceritanye.... betol tak?

p/s: pada org yg pernah bertanya soalan cepumas ni.. yes, aku boleh berenang dengan baik n of coz aku boleh timbul dalam swimming pool... ape punya soalan daa... kayu balak pon boley timbul... soalan bajet nak wat lawak tp tang mana part klakarnye aku pon tak tau.. hais.. manusia.. manusia...

~DANIEL~

on each of the bad days of my painful life...

when i start to feel that feeling of lost and hopeless grief...

i close my eyes and picture the ones i love; my parents and siblings, my nieces...

and finally...

towards the very end...

he will always be there, with that special smile on his face...

my last piece of strength and hope... 

the last piece of the puzzle...

Blog 97: confounded..

a very chaotic day, with people busy filling their DG44 forms and making sure that everything is completed... i received the form with mixed feelings, on whether to fill it or not. technically, i am eligible to apply, i comply to the sufficient service time required and i passed the necessary exams needed... so why am i feeling like this?

people around me said that it is my right, i earned it fair and square, so what's with the long face?

personally, i lost the will to aim for all these increments and perks when i was jolted back to reality with the constant lingering feeling of guilt due to the fact that i did not perform as much as i am being paid, an issue that is always being brought up when my name was being mentioned... i was stripped bare with issues of what's right and what's wrong, the concept of halal and haram, and how my present condition was seen as being incompetent rather that me not being able to give and give like what i have been doing for the past 9 years of my teaching career..

people who understood my situation would say that i am being foolish, stupid enough to take heed of those useless people who love to vilipend and question my self worth and my capabilities... i appreciate their undivided faith n support but then again...

i am also an ordinary human being, with a good set of ears and a sensitive heart, a weak one but still sensitive nevertheless...

so do tell me what am i supposed to feel when i heard negative remarks towards me? i might cover them with my smile but pieces of me are crumbling, bit by bit....

thank you so very much that... i hope you will feel what i have been feeling all these while and if Allah is kind enough, HE will let me be there as a constant reminder of how much pain you have brought upon me...

Blog 96: RIP steve jobs!

Steve Jobs, the brain behind the apple technology passed away last tuesday after losing his final battle against pancreatic cancer..

a huge, huge lost to the world of technology... a visionary.. a superb inventor.. a risk taker... and most importantly, a person who knew how to use his limited time efficiently and brought a huge impact to everyone around him...

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important,  have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."                                                                          ~Steve Jobs 1955-2011~

RIP steve jobs... thank you for your wonderful contribution to humanity.. thank you for looking at your illness positively and make full use of all the time that you have to pioneer a revolutionary technology...

just a small thought...

with the time that i have... 

can i at least create a small tiny ripple in someone's life? 

i really hope i could....

Blog 93: guilty....

just realized something, my other blog has reached more than 2000 hits eventhough i have not been updating it for the past 3 months... just out of curiosity, i asked my students about it..


the reply?

"kitorang slalu gak bukak tcer... mana tau kalau tcer update ke.."

*we always looked for new notes there, hoping that you will update..

aww man! talk about how irresponsible i am as a teacher.. sigh... my guilt is 'eating' me up..
sigh.....

Blog 92: my new love!

MY NEW GADGET!

Name    

MINNIE

Date of Purchase

2nd SEPTEMBER 2011

MY LIFE IS AWESOME!

Blog 91: second chances...

Syawal is about forgiving others and seeking for forgiveness... Zue, my daughter, made me very happy when she  showed her maturity by making the first move to do something with with her 'personal' issues... so much so that she inspired me to do the same with my own 'personal' issue.. hehehe.. 

and I could say I felt much better somehow... it's not that I've completely forgotten about it... how hurtful those words were but again being angry is very, very tiring... somehow, this negative feeling will always make me feel 'drained', as if my energy is being sucked slowly, and in the end.. I felt nothing because everything seems empty....

I made the first move and I am very proud of myself... I am proud because I am the better person, I swallow my anger and accept the fact that some people do make mistakes.. I make mistakes all the time too, so I am hoping that when it's my time to screw up something or make big mistakes, other people would also be as forgiving...

and I also could proudly say that I am much happier now......  :)

Blog 90: what happened to me...

hi peeps! sorry for the very long silence.....

as expected, i was warded again for a week just before Raya... aishhhh... couldn't complain much... kinda of expecting it to happen eventually... my feet have been swelling like forever and i feel like some of my meds are not as effective as before, so time to see the docs again! hehhe...

alhamdulillah... i managed to celebrate Raya with my loved ones after pleading to my cardiologist (with killer puss in boots cute eyes! heheh)... he sighed and gave me stern warning not to overexert myself.. ahhahha... yay! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!  ;)

the feeling of being able to be back home, surrounded by familiar happy faces was indescribable.. it makes everything seemed so perfect... so meaningful...

and if i have to endure more hardship, pain and agony... by all means... bring it on!  :)

Blog 89: surprise!!

been thinking about this for quite some time now..... 

well...

I'M GONNA WRITE A BOOK!

there! i've said it! i promise i will give the details about my latest project in my next post... 

bcoz rite now my life is like a living hell! busy.. busy.. busy...

till then!

Blog 86: when it rains, it pours...

assalamualaikum.....

lama x update blog.. been very2 sick lately... the latest, i added acute gout to my list of never ending pain n suffering n i could only say one word about gout...

HELL... pure hell....

this came from a person who endured two minor heart attacks n angio.. but seriously..... gout is pure hell....

the pain was indescribable... sejak aku sakit x pernah aku rase macam nak letupkan bumi ni... but the day when i got the attack, i was really hoping i could blow something up just to see something or someone else suffer instead of me...

punyala sakit gile.... i tried 2 be strong... tried to tell myself that this is another test for me.. a test to see whether aku boleh bertahan atau tidak... a test to see how strong i could be to fight all these.... a test to see my level of faith n the love i receive from those around me...

tapi ya Allah... kadang2 hambamu ini tertanya2... betapa lama lagi diriku dapat menahan semua dugaan MU ini?

Blog 85: my first crush....

long before my heart was taken by Minnie (hehhehe..) there was this one special guy who deserved to be in my journal....

he was my first celebrity crush... a real one... nope, not the stoopid bandwagon thingy like Yusry KRU (wtf intan???!!)..

how do i know he was different.. well, same like Minnie... I fell in love with his eyes first, because i could clearly see the 'pain' in there... his songs 'spoke' to me...i felt his pain and the feeling of loneliness.... i understand some of his view in life....

but he was gone, too early i think... because he could have been a legend by now... well, technically he is considered the legend but a LIVING legend could have been much better.... 

this is one of the things that i still could not understand until now... the world is full of pain and agony, i get that... but why was it so hard for you to see the other beautiful part of it? why couldn't you feel the love from people around you? why did you choose the easy way out by ending your own life?

it might end for you but for those who love and admire you for your passion, and those who could see up till now how special you are, the pain of losing you is still deep and bleeding... yup, even after these 17 long years ..... 

RIP KURT COBAIN

1967-1994

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

THIS IS OFFICIALLY 

MY 

100th ENTRY!

YAY TO ME!

~ congratulation n celebration... lalalalalalalalalala ~

Blog 84: aish.... knape jadik skema balik???

tetibe jek nengok my recent posts n baru tersedar yg i wrote everything in full english again... without me realizing it... aish....

as i've already stated in my recent post, my mind ni kadang2 mmg bengos... bile mase tah aku start tulis full english macam kertas muet.. pastu x sedar plak tu.. mmg betol la kot ade skru longgar dlm otak ku ini.. harharhar!

sebenarnye x de ape2 pon.. boley jek aku nk tulis camne2 pon.. my blog kan.. sukehati la aku nak tulis camne pon... kalu tetibe aku rase nak experimen gune bahasa jerman (ciptaan sendirik) or bahasa yabedabedabeda nuha cinta or bahasa pacap pacep pacap auliya ade sape2 kesah?? aish!!!

ade satu blog yg aku bace mase aku tengah blogwalking tulis a few things yg buat aku rase seday sikit... siap kutuk2 blog org yg konon2 x de follower lah... x de comment lah... siap boley kate buat ape tulis blog lagik kalu x de sape yg bace... siap kutuk org yg anggap blog ni macam diary, tulis mende2 yg sepatutnya simpan dlm otak sendirik jek... macam org laen berminat nak tau pon...

sume org ade hak nak cakap ape2 pon n aku x marah pon pd si penulis tu... mmg blog dia awesome pon,  ramai org baca n ramai giler org komen..  

well, pada aku mudah jek...

x sume org yg tulis blog pasal nak follower yg ramai berkepuk2.. or org komen non stop... ade org yg macam aku yg hanya nak merekodkan mende2 yg aku suka or things yg buat aku happy... cume kenkadang, aku rase ade gak mende2 yg aku tulis ni boley gak beri hiburan (ye ke? kes over perasan nih!!) pd org yg tetibe terblogwalk ke ruang bebelan aku ni...

aku amat2 open minded.. blog mencarot pon aku bace, blog emo yg asik2 pinpoint sume kekurangan+kesedihan+kesilapan org n mende lain pon aku bace, blog tah hape hape pon aku bace..just because i love reading something honest, something yg comes from the mind n the heart of the writer....

i read blogs about other heart problem patients yg kadang2 lebih teruk condition nye dari aku n serta merta aku bersyukur sangat2 yg keadaan aku lebih baik dari dia...

i read blogs from teenagers just to understand them better because i have to deal with them day in day out...

i read blogs yg fangirling si minnie sampai tahap mereng n gelak coz sebenarnya aku pon kenkadang aku rase gitu gak, cume aku lebih matang n waras... hehehe..... (btw.. minnie suka matured noona kan?? hahahah!)

i believe everyone has his/her own right to write about anything they want.. we, the readers yg ade our own right nak pilih mana blog yg kita nak baca... simple kan?  

Blog 83: check up time...

i happened to look at my cardiologists' appt. card and argghhhh! the date of my next checkup is approaching..... soon....

i won't lie to you.. i am afraid... nope, scrap that.. i am TERRIFIED... like, literally scared out of my wits thinking about what will happen during the checkup... is my heart healthier? am i getting better? are my meds working? so many questions but deep down inside.. i really.. really don't want to know the answer....

i know it's impossible that i'll be 100% cured, i get that fact crystal clear.. but the human in me will always have that little hope, that tiny 'what if' feelings, praying hard that all this thing is just a dream...

hey, a girl can hope, right?

Blog 82: i hate this word.... ~death~

i know i seldom talk about this thing but that doesn't mean that i don't think about it all the time....

it's kinda difficult to ignore this fact if you are in my condition....

as much as i thought i am prepared for it (in a way... well, i know i should do more good things n upgrade myself to be a better Muslim).... i am still in shock when i heard that i lost another student last monday due to leukemia...

it hurts a lot because my student is supposed to grow up, enter uni, get a good job, start a family, do all those normal things that an ordinary 14-year-old should do....

but apparently Allah loves him more...

i cried... i cried because i am scared... i am scared to see how short a person's life could be... how everything would just end abruptly... like a short blow to a candle on a birthday cake...

haishhhh..... i hate this 'heavy' feeling in my chest... i really do.....

rest in peace amirul... u have been a very strong fighter to the very end and i wish i have the same strength  and courage like yours when my time comes....

to hidayu, it's been almost 4 years since you are gone and teacher still remembers you, up till now... 

Blog 80: FAQs...

after more than one year of writing, i am now confident and brave enough to answer some FAQs regarding my beloved blog.... here goes nothing....

1. You seem to be frustrated about something. When I read your blog, you are always complaining about your health, personal life, problems...

Errr.. first and foremost, I would like to apologize if the act of me whining about MY life in my OWN blog makes you feel uncomfortable. But then again, I started writing my blog as a subtle way for me to vent out my feeling without hurting other people... I don't force you to read everything here, so please respect my little secluded whining place, ok!

2. You are an educator. There is a chance that some of your students might read everything you wrote in your blog. Aren't you ashamed of some of your entries, especially under the 'iluvminnie' category?

I never published and advertised my blog to any of my students. Heck! I didn't think that they know it's my blog, to be honest. However, giving the fact that students nowadays are very internet savvy, I don't really mind if they stumble across my page and see the real me. Personally, I think it's fine for them to see that I am also an ordinary human, who actually have a colourful life outside school hours (haha!)

3. You are already 30. Don't you think it's a little bit spooky to be a crazy fangirl, especially to someone who is much younger than you?

Hmm.. I think a lot of people is confused because they thought I was being a typical crazy teenage fangirl. At 30 years of age, I think I am wise enough to know the real reason why Minnie is special to me. I don't think I need to explain further since no one would really understand.. hey! The heart wants what the heart wants so who am I to deny that he is one of the strongest reasons which help my weak heart to beat faster, eh? hehe....

4. You always project yourself as being the victim in some unfavorable situations. Is that true or you are just being biased?

There are always two sides to every story, right? I get to show the shitty things that happen to me from my point of view, so of course there will be a little form of biasness there. I can't be writing about these things and condemning myself after that, right? I have a heart condition, people.. not mental illness... geez!

5. When are you getting married? When are you going to realize that Minnie is just a dream?

Whaaaat? Who is this? Yana? Atie? Uda?... You guys are so gonna get it!!  ;P

Blog 78: it's karma, baby!

KARMA... hmmm... watch My Name Is Earl and everyone can see why karma's a b*tch.. haha... i don't want to say that i believe in karma wholeheartedly (n as a Muslim, that's also unacceptable.. ) but sometimes i have to admit that karma do play a certain part in helping me to understand some things which are difficult for me to comprehend.. literally...

i believe in simple things... do good things and good things will happen to you... what goes around comes around... do shitty things n in the end you eat sh*t.. hahahahha.. plain n simple...

looking at my condition now, i know all these happen because of a reason... perhaps as a warning that i have forgotten some important elements in my life, especially in my own pursuit of personal achievements which are usually filled with layers of greed and negative pride...

i had my wake up call... my powerful smack right on my face.... and i am thankful for that... i am thankful that i am given the opportunity to 'open' my eyes, to have my chance to repent, to step back a few steps to admire other meaningful things around me, to have a chance to become a much better human being...

because of all these, i am really thankful....

Blog 75: back to active blogging...

aigooo... so many things to do.. so little time given.. i am so super duper busy this year until i neglected the one thing that made me happy last year.. yup..my dear blog.... i'm so sorry....

i am indeed a very bad blog writer.. i used my blog only to vent out my frustrations and sadness and then when things get better.. i forgot about it.. i forgot how good i felt after i poured everything in it.. i forgot how therapeutic it was for my empty soul.. how my blog gave me strength to fight back every demon that came into my life...

NOT ANYMORE! now... back to more active blogging... more sharing of ideas n viewpoints on certain topics... more open display of raw emotion without any form of hypocrisy...

because i write for me... and that's what matters most....