INTANvention!!

I AM GOING TO TAKE A VERY LONG HIATUS...

i just dont know what to write anymore...

i think i lost my muse...

Blog 99: eh?

the similarities..

both main characters in these movies have the same illness as me...

 n both of them did not make it... 

the question is...

can i beat the odds?

and if it is my time to go...

will i be ready?

Blog 98: double standard...

hidup ni penuh dengan situasi double standard, kan? x pecaya? kadang2 aku rase situasi aku pon ade gak sikit2 elemen double standardnye....

bile manusia golongan aku yg ala2 saiz triple xxxl, yg sakit jantong or darah tinggi or kencing manis, serta merta pikiran org akan terus piker, tula.. sape suroh x jage makan? sape suroh melantak cam x penah nampak makanan? kalau filem melayu yg ade scene org tumbam musti ade scene makan macam raksasa gorgon.. amek peha ayam belasah makan macam x penah nampak ayam goreng... aish.... setau akula yg x penah kurus ni... x penah sekali pon aku makan cam dinasor t-rex, terpelanting sume ayam goreng n beef steak...

cube kalau aku ni selim melim 45 kilo, muka plak sejibik cam nora elena, tetibe cakap ade sakit jantong sure ramai yg simpati siap berlari2 dalam hujan lalu terjelepok jatuh melutut sambil menadah tangan ke langit skali ngan bercucuran air mata sambil berkata, "why God? why her? why do you make her suffer?".... haish....

bile aku cakap my heart is failing, ramai yg bagi first impression begini...

a) jaga makan tu, elak kan makan menda berkolestrol tinggi... cuba diet sikit, kurangkan makan nasik..

b) cube eksersais sikit, duduk jek... skali skala jogging ke, brisk walking ke... swimming ke....

pasal ape?... pasal aku x kurus... cuba kalau aku versi nora elena yg 45 kilo tu... takdenye org suruh diet ke, jogging ke... adil ke tak?

aku bukan nye marah, dah lama aku berhadapan dengan sikap sesetengah manusia yg double standard camni... dah x rase ape dah.. cuma kadang2 aku sedih bila kata2 nasihat ni datang from orang2 yg rapat ngan aku (relatives, colleagues etc) yg boleh nampak dengan jelas perbezaan aku bile aku sakit n bila aku rase ok sikit....

tapi ape yg aku boleh buat? mulut orang bukan aku boleh kawal... tula pasal kadang2 aku harap sangat supaya golongan yg suka bagi nasihat ni sila lah buat research sikit... don't get me wrong, bukan nya aku ni perasan bagos sampai tak boleh terima nasihat, cuma kadang2 nawaitu awal yg baik bile dah start makan dalam, dah jadik lain pulak ceritanye.... betol tak?

p/s: pada org yg pernah bertanya soalan cepumas ni.. yes, aku boleh berenang dengan baik n of coz aku boleh timbul dalam swimming pool... ape punya soalan daa... kayu balak pon boley timbul... soalan bajet nak wat lawak tp tang mana part klakarnye aku pon tak tau.. hais.. manusia.. manusia...

Blog 96: RIP steve jobs!

Steve Jobs, the brain behind the apple technology passed away last tuesday after losing his final battle against pancreatic cancer..

a huge, huge lost to the world of technology... a visionary.. a superb inventor.. a risk taker... and most importantly, a person who knew how to use his limited time efficiently and brought a huge impact to everyone around him...

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important,  have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."                                                                          ~Steve Jobs 1955-2011~

RIP steve jobs... thank you for your wonderful contribution to humanity.. thank you for looking at your illness positively and make full use of all the time that you have to pioneer a revolutionary technology...

just a small thought...

with the time that i have... 

can i at least create a small tiny ripple in someone's life? 

i really hope i could....

Blog 95: opinions, anyone?

salam peeps!

xcited yg amat coz diz is my first entry yg aku type guna my MINNIE ie my beloved gelekshiteb.. hohoho... oleh krn aku ditinggalkan sume org yg sdg seronok berjimba di penang, terpaksalah aku update blogku coz aku tgh boring melampau.. heheh.. boley gitu?

tetibe aku terase nak tulis pasal mende ni pasal aku dah lemas jugakla bile banyak kali aku dengar mende yg same... pasal ape? pasal biznes yg adik aku buat.. sebelum aku menulis dengan lebih lanjut, ingin aku nyatakan disini yg aku bukan diupah untuk membuat apa2 promosi waima dibayar untuk menjatuh dan mengkondem mana2 pihak coz ape yg aku tulis ni hanyalah dr pengamatan n xperience aku sendirik melihat mende2 yg jadik depan mata aku...

aku xkan tulis ape mende biznes uda kat sini, sebab nanti boleh jadik kontroversi kate aku take sides or being biased, so kalu korang nak tau, carikla sendirik link dia kat blog aku ni, hokey... bile some of my friends n her friends n relatives or sape2 lah yg tau adik aku start biznes ni, banyak yg bagi pendapat2 yg pelbagai.. ade positive, ade membina, ade sceptical, ade interested, ade yg was was, ade yg geleng2 kepala, ade yg start bagi pendapat2 'bernas' sendirik n yg paling best... ade yg start mengutuk... (yg ni aku plg x boley layan...)

aku dah ckp yg aku tak kan take sides.. sume org ade hak masing2 nak rase camne, cume kenkadang aku agak pelik ngan sesetengah golongan manusia nih...mmglah zaman ni ade konsep freedom of speech tp jgnlah kita lupa, sebelum bukak mulut tu, pastikanlah kita tau sikit2 pasal ape mende yg kite nak komen supaya kita x kelihatan macam orang bodoh azali... buatla homework sikit, jgn main sedapjek bagi sedas dua pastu bile org counter attack, sendirik terkebil2 pastu start mencarut... hmm... mature, so verrryy mature.....  

mase my sis first kata yg she wants to do this thing seriously, i had 2 admit that i was worried... but don't get me wrong, my first concern was whether she would wake up one day after doing this business for years n years n felt that it was a mistake... tp sekali lagi aku terpikir.. kenapa aku sunguh jumud dgn berpikir demikian? aku try put myself in the same situation but in a different scenario.. would i wake up one day and feel that being a teacher is a big mistake? hmm... perhaps.. but how would i know if aku tak jadik cikgu on the first place, kan? so.. in order for my sis to know whether this thing is a mistake or not, the key point is that she has to try doing what she wants to do dulu... betul tak? n i am a firm believer that if you fail after you tried your very best is far better than being a coward, hiding and being scared of the 'what ifs' pastu sebab saje nak sedapkan hati sendirik, cuba nak cari negative points kondemkan orang yg actually decided to try n do the same thing yg korang x berani cuba... pada aku, org yang banyak cakap but no action ni bukan nya golongan yg 'play safe' (mcm ade yg sesetengah org kata) tp golongan yg pathetic sebenarnya... simple solution, just keep your 'helpful' opinion to yourself n keep your mouth shut becoz nobody ask for your opinion anyway....

next would be the concept of that biznes itself... aku xmau komen2 ape2 coz aku tak suka ckp pasal mende yg aku sendirik x 100% paham tp dr ape yg aku nampak, aku tau yg my sis jual barang yg dia sendirik keluarkan modal (yg bukannya semurah yg banyak org sangka, ye..) n dia dapat untung... so, ape bezanya dia ngan penjual product lain? i know how difficult n demanding her work is... aku yg nampak dia berjaga malam wat powerpoint presentations, preparing n devising her biznes plan, traveling all over malaysia to meet clients, checking n making sure her customers puas hati ngan produk tu from time to time dan 1001 thing yg org lain xnampak. ape yg pasti, aku x nampak pulak yg my sis tidur jek golek2 kat umah, karok siang malam n tetiba masuk duit ribu riban...  jd bayangkan betapa hanginnye aku bile ade manusia yg jadik uztaz/ustazah yg x bertauliah, sibuk ckp pasal konsep halal n haram... haishhh......

pada pandangan aku yg jahil ilmu agama ni, halal n haram is very difficult to justify dengan crystal clearnya... aku yg keje chegu ni pon x boleh kata yg gaji aku 100% halal... yg boleh confirmkan ialah Allah s.w.t shj... contohnya bila aku sakit teruk, masuk kluar wad n xpegi mengajar... boleh aku kategorikan gaji aku minggu tu duit haram coz i did not earn it? tp tak kan nak potong gaji aku sebab aku sakit n sakit ni bukan satu menda yg aku boleh kawal... so, macam mana nak letak hukum pada aku? susahkan? tula pasal, jgn mudah meletak kan hukum pada org lain... ape yg penting, aku tau situasi sebenar yg jadik pada aku n believe me, the guilt of knowing the fact that i still got paid by doing nothing is eating me bit by bit... it's definitely not a good feeling but deep down i know Allah knows best n i hope aku x lupa diri dgn mengambil kesempatan atas musibah yg berlaku pd aku, unlike SOME people... heheheh.... :)

so kesimpulannya... pada ku camnilah... a lot of us love to give our ten cent's worth... our own opinion but limit n channel it ke arah positif. aku tak kesah if ade yg voice out their concern sebab they sincerely care about others tp sadly kebanyakan manusia lebih suka jadik tukang kondem n tukang boo org bile org lain fail... right? but ask yourself this question, yg mana lagi hina? org yg cakap berdegar2 bumbung umah tp habuk pon tarak.. or org yg mencuba berkali2 walaupun dia banyak jatuh dr berjaya? pikirkanlah sendirik.....

Blog 94: the real meaning of 'sacrifice'...

a very simple question but it's very difficult to answer without being a hypocrite.. am i talking nonsense? mengarutkah aku di pagi hari ni? hmm...

the word sacrifice itself it very vague.. what would be deemed good enough to be considered a 'sacrifice'? doing something we hate or we don't like just because it's our responsibility to do so? having to shoulder huge demand from people around us who thought that it's our job so do something or to solve something or to give something, day in day out, 24/7...

the interesting thing to ponder is adakah segala pengorbanan ini berbaloi? adakah apa yang kita buat orang akan ingat? but then again, perlukah kita sibuk nak pastikan orang mesti ingat apa yang kita buat?

yup, i agree... we can choose to look away, to pretend that it's not our responsibility; on the first place, to be the one to cover up everything, to make sure that things will go smoothly, to uphold the family name and reputation, to make sure our loved ones are always smiling...

but at what cause? to be criticized for not having anything but in reality you used up everything you have for the others to achieve what they have now? forgetting what you want in life because you are so busy making sure of the well beings of the other people around you?

a lot of people choose to be hypocrites... classic statements like "la, ade problem ke? knape tak bagitau?" or "kalau korang tak bagitau memang sumpah aku tak perasan"... oh.. come on! you will KNOW if your loved ones around you are in dire need of assistance of any sort... if you don't realize anything, you are either blind, deaf or just plain stupid or ignorant.. personally, i would say stupid.... just because that would make more sense...

as for me, if i start to complain or whine or ungkitkan semua bende yang aku dah buat untuk orang lain, that is not 'sacrifice' anymore.. dah lari konsep, dah jadik riak... sorilah stament emo tapi pada aku memang betul pun.. bila kita buat sesuatu untuk orang, tapi tak habis-habis beritahu semua 'pengorbanan' kita dengan harapan orang ingat, itu dah salah nawaitu...

yup, people will remember... remember how pathetic a*****e you are, most importantly...

if you sincerely want to help someone, beri bantuan sebelum orang tersebut datang meminta bantuan pada kita, kalau kita memang sedar orang itu memerlukan bantuan kita... tak kan bende simple macam ni pun tak boleh nak faham?

kalau lah betul pun kita tak perasan, atau terlepas pandang, atau memang tak pernah ambil kisah pun... bila ade orang datang minta bantuan kita cubalah rasa bangga dan terharu kerana orang tersebut percaya pada kita untuk membantu dia menyelesaikan masalah dia...

kalau kita mampu, bantulah setakat yang boleh... kalau tak mampu, cuba fikirkan jalan sekali untuk membantu  orang tersebut.. ni kan peluang Allah bagi untuk kita tambah pahala dalam akaun kita...

tapi kalau awal-awal kita dah fikir yang orang ni nak ambil kesempatan, nak tumpang kesenangan kita... that's why i said it's easier to be hypocrites... pretending that we couldn't do anything to help padahal ada 1001 bentuk bantuan yang boleh kita beri... yang lebih dashyat... we do help, reluctantly.. and then we whine and we pinpoint every single thing that we do, hoping that people will know and realize how 'generous' we are... great, simply superb!

manusia2 ini boleh tidur nyenyak setiap malam kan? pelik.....

Blog 90: what happened to me...

hi peeps! sorry for the very long silence.....

as expected, i was warded again for a week just before Raya... aishhhh... couldn't complain much... kinda of expecting it to happen eventually... my feet have been swelling like forever and i feel like some of my meds are not as effective as before, so time to see the docs again! hehhe...

alhamdulillah... i managed to celebrate Raya with my loved ones after pleading to my cardiologist (with killer puss in boots cute eyes! heheh)... he sighed and gave me stern warning not to overexert myself.. ahhahha... yay! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!  ;)

the feeling of being able to be back home, surrounded by familiar happy faces was indescribable.. it makes everything seemed so perfect... so meaningful...

and if i have to endure more hardship, pain and agony... by all means... bring it on!  :)

Blog 85: my first crush....

long before my heart was taken by Minnie (hehhehe..) there was this one special guy who deserved to be in my journal....

he was my first celebrity crush... a real one... nope, not the stoopid bandwagon thingy like Yusry KRU (wtf intan???!!)..

how do i know he was different.. well, same like Minnie... I fell in love with his eyes first, because i could clearly see the 'pain' in there... his songs 'spoke' to me...i felt his pain and the feeling of loneliness.... i understand some of his view in life....

but he was gone, too early i think... because he could have been a legend by now... well, technically he is considered the legend but a LIVING legend could have been much better.... 

this is one of the things that i still could not understand until now... the world is full of pain and agony, i get that... but why was it so hard for you to see the other beautiful part of it? why couldn't you feel the love from people around you? why did you choose the easy way out by ending your own life?

it might end for you but for those who love and admire you for your passion, and those who could see up till now how special you are, the pain of losing you is still deep and bleeding... yup, even after these 17 long years ..... 

RIP KURT COBAIN

1967-1994

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

THIS IS OFFICIALLY 

MY 

100th ENTRY!

YAY TO ME!

~ congratulation n celebration... lalalalalalalalalala ~

Blog 84: aish.... knape jadik skema balik???

tetibe jek nengok my recent posts n baru tersedar yg i wrote everything in full english again... without me realizing it... aish....

as i've already stated in my recent post, my mind ni kadang2 mmg bengos... bile mase tah aku start tulis full english macam kertas muet.. pastu x sedar plak tu.. mmg betol la kot ade skru longgar dlm otak ku ini.. harharhar!

sebenarnye x de ape2 pon.. boley jek aku nk tulis camne2 pon.. my blog kan.. sukehati la aku nak tulis camne pon... kalu tetibe aku rase nak experimen gune bahasa jerman (ciptaan sendirik) or bahasa yabedabedabeda nuha cinta or bahasa pacap pacep pacap auliya ade sape2 kesah?? aish!!!

ade satu blog yg aku bace mase aku tengah blogwalking tulis a few things yg buat aku rase seday sikit... siap kutuk2 blog org yg konon2 x de follower lah... x de comment lah... siap boley kate buat ape tulis blog lagik kalu x de sape yg bace... siap kutuk org yg anggap blog ni macam diary, tulis mende2 yg sepatutnya simpan dlm otak sendirik jek... macam org laen berminat nak tau pon...

sume org ade hak nak cakap ape2 pon n aku x marah pon pd si penulis tu... mmg blog dia awesome pon,  ramai org baca n ramai giler org komen..  

well, pada aku mudah jek...

x sume org yg tulis blog pasal nak follower yg ramai berkepuk2.. or org komen non stop... ade org yg macam aku yg hanya nak merekodkan mende2 yg aku suka or things yg buat aku happy... cume kenkadang, aku rase ade gak mende2 yg aku tulis ni boley gak beri hiburan (ye ke? kes over perasan nih!!) pd org yg tetibe terblogwalk ke ruang bebelan aku ni...

aku amat2 open minded.. blog mencarot pon aku bace, blog emo yg asik2 pinpoint sume kekurangan+kesedihan+kesilapan org n mende lain pon aku bace, blog tah hape hape pon aku bace..just because i love reading something honest, something yg comes from the mind n the heart of the writer....

i read blogs about other heart problem patients yg kadang2 lebih teruk condition nye dari aku n serta merta aku bersyukur sangat2 yg keadaan aku lebih baik dari dia...

i read blogs from teenagers just to understand them better because i have to deal with them day in day out...

i read blogs yg fangirling si minnie sampai tahap mereng n gelak coz sebenarnya aku pon kenkadang aku rase gitu gak, cume aku lebih matang n waras... hehehe..... (btw.. minnie suka matured noona kan?? hahahah!)

i believe everyone has his/her own right to write about anything they want.. we, the readers yg ade our own right nak pilih mana blog yg kita nak baca... simple kan?  

Blog 83: check up time...

i happened to look at my cardiologists' appt. card and argghhhh! the date of my next checkup is approaching..... soon....

i won't lie to you.. i am afraid... nope, scrap that.. i am TERRIFIED... like, literally scared out of my wits thinking about what will happen during the checkup... is my heart healthier? am i getting better? are my meds working? so many questions but deep down inside.. i really.. really don't want to know the answer....

i know it's impossible that i'll be 100% cured, i get that fact crystal clear.. but the human in me will always have that little hope, that tiny 'what if' feelings, praying hard that all this thing is just a dream...

hey, a girl can hope, right?

Intan's poem collection vol. 3

i blog because........

i blog to vent my fury

i blog to express my worries

i blog because i got things to tell

i blog because i need a space to yell

i blog because my life is short

i blog simply because i'm bored

i blog because i am a terrible writer

i blog with hope that i could be better

i blog to tell all of you about my stories

my life and most importantly, my precious memories....

intannoorfaiza04062011

Blog 80: FAQs...

after more than one year of writing, i am now confident and brave enough to answer some FAQs regarding my beloved blog.... here goes nothing....

1. You seem to be frustrated about something. When I read your blog, you are always complaining about your health, personal life, problems...

Errr.. first and foremost, I would like to apologize if the act of me whining about MY life in my OWN blog makes you feel uncomfortable. But then again, I started writing my blog as a subtle way for me to vent out my feeling without hurting other people... I don't force you to read everything here, so please respect my little secluded whining place, ok!

2. You are an educator. There is a chance that some of your students might read everything you wrote in your blog. Aren't you ashamed of some of your entries, especially under the 'iluvminnie' category?

I never published and advertised my blog to any of my students. Heck! I didn't think that they know it's my blog, to be honest. However, giving the fact that students nowadays are very internet savvy, I don't really mind if they stumble across my page and see the real me. Personally, I think it's fine for them to see that I am also an ordinary human, who actually have a colourful life outside school hours (haha!)

3. You are already 30. Don't you think it's a little bit spooky to be a crazy fangirl, especially to someone who is much younger than you?

Hmm.. I think a lot of people is confused because they thought I was being a typical crazy teenage fangirl. At 30 years of age, I think I am wise enough to know the real reason why Minnie is special to me. I don't think I need to explain further since no one would really understand.. hey! The heart wants what the heart wants so who am I to deny that he is one of the strongest reasons which help my weak heart to beat faster, eh? hehe....

4. You always project yourself as being the victim in some unfavorable situations. Is that true or you are just being biased?

There are always two sides to every story, right? I get to show the shitty things that happen to me from my point of view, so of course there will be a little form of biasness there. I can't be writing about these things and condemning myself after that, right? I have a heart condition, people.. not mental illness... geez!

5. When are you getting married? When are you going to realize that Minnie is just a dream?

Whaaaat? Who is this? Yana? Atie? Uda?... You guys are so gonna get it!!  ;P

Blog 79: the power of words...

words are powerful, don't you think so? sometimes, we tend to forget that certain words carry different meanings, hence the possibility of someone having a different understanding of what you are saying can happen... a lot of times......

sadly, it is also a good reason for something to be misquoted sometimes, either done unintentionally or not (by some people)....

i hate the fact that certain people are so dense sometimes, until they feel that everything i say will always carry negative remarks... but it got me thinking, though...

do i complain a lot? do i gossip too much? am i such a blabbermouth? queen of super laser turbo tongue who spew acid every time something came out from my mouth? wait... i hurt people with my words? wasn't that the other way round?

hmmm.... i though i have done a fine job by being the submissive one, the one who listens in meeting without any form of direct, rude back lash on anything (albeit stupid issues and petty things...) being discussed there...

the one who always says 'yes' even though my feet is already swollen three time its normal size, so walking to those relief classes are like modern day medieval torture sentence....

and yet i am the bad one... sighing means complaining with the intention of challenging what is being assigned to me.. and again i received all those awkward 'smile', weird 'hi' n 'hello' with meaningful glances and indecipherable look... which is supposed to intimidate me? or to scare me?

yup... and yet i am the bad one.... sigh.......

Blog 78: it's karma, baby!

KARMA... hmmm... watch My Name Is Earl and everyone can see why karma's a b*tch.. haha... i don't want to say that i believe in karma wholeheartedly (n as a Muslim, that's also unacceptable.. ) but sometimes i have to admit that karma do play a certain part in helping me to understand some things which are difficult for me to comprehend.. literally...

i believe in simple things... do good things and good things will happen to you... what goes around comes around... do shitty things n in the end you eat sh*t.. hahahahha.. plain n simple...

looking at my condition now, i know all these happen because of a reason... perhaps as a warning that i have forgotten some important elements in my life, especially in my own pursuit of personal achievements which are usually filled with layers of greed and negative pride...

i had my wake up call... my powerful smack right on my face.... and i am thankful for that... i am thankful that i am given the opportunity to 'open' my eyes, to have my chance to repent, to step back a few steps to admire other meaningful things around me, to have a chance to become a much better human being...

because of all these, i am really thankful....

Blog 77: why korean? i say.. why NOT korean?

i an an avid korean fan.. and i think everyone knows that...

i lurve korean dramas, films, artiste, songs, food, Suju, Minnie.. hehehe...

why korean? one might ask... some rude ones would even sarcastically snicker and said i'm crazy... crazy for being a fan of something only 'young' people would love... 

define 'young', please... i think a lot of young people love hindustani films n go loco while looking at the buff chiseled-faced actors but obviously the older fans are not considered pedophile, right?

just because i love something that is considered 'in' right now makes me weird? if i say i love modern pop korean songs suddenly i am a disgrace to my career as an educator?

people laugh when i say i like Minnie... 'perasan muda' they would say.... a cradle snatcher..a cougar (hahaha!) but i don't think all team edward fans out there are younger than him (also born in 1986! surprisingly!) so there nothing 'cougarish' there... haha!

looking at him makes me calm... i don't know why but it does... so SUE me.... aish!

well...for me, growing OLD is INEVITABLE but growing UP is OPTIONAL... i like what i like n i don't have to conform to what others expect of me, right? i don't tell u what u should like so there... shut the **** up!  

Blog 73: it is IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone...

i don't really know about everyone but i was born to be very alert about my surroundings.. VERY alert indeed and somehow i think it has started to become a curse instead of a blessing...

i am usually the first one to realize if something is wrong in any situation... or if someone is behaving differently from normal... and i HATE myself for realizing all these simple 'changes' because they are making my mind restless and my heart uneasy... because sometimes it's so pointless to be so empathic when everyone else can be unbelievably dense almost all the time.... 

i HATE myself for always thinking of others first... and always, ALWAYS neglecting what i want... 

i tried to be selfish at times but the guilt i felt after that was so bad so i am back at square one...

but one thing i couldn't stand is sometimes my constant effort to care about something is often overlooked by some people, so much so that some even think that i purposely do all these things to make their lives easier is because i am supposed to be the responsible one.. the one who worries... the one who stupidly care about things which are not my business anyway.. the one who is supposed to think about everything...

but then again... WHO ASKED YOU TO 'SIBUK' ON THE FIRST PLACE, MORON?.... nobody cares about these things so why would you?

TO CARE OR NOT TO CARE... choosing to care about unnecessary things which would bring unwanted annoying feeling of torment and discomfort? or choosing to be an ignorant ass***e  who seems happier when there are less things to worry about...

aish.... this world is already full of blockh***ds anyway.. do i want to be one, too? 

Blog 71: I am BULIMIC..

I am bulimic..

No.. let me rephrase that...

I am BULIMIC ~ by force~

How? Easy... everything I ate, yep.. I mean EVERYTHING I ate will come out again and I couldn't stop it...

It's kinda tiring not to be able to stomach the thing I ate and this would also lead to extreme hunger, especially at midnight...

I couldn't even eat a full plate of fried rice or noodles... I couldn't even finish my sandwiches... but don't get it wrong... my will to eat is still strong...

I still drool when I see a full plate of ribs at Tony Romas, but after ordering it... I discovered that I only managed to eat one... and then the whole puking thingy starts all over again... and again.. and again...

IS THIS A CURSE? OR A BLESSING IN DISGUISE?

Maybe this is Allah's way to help me to lose some weight because I keep on failing to lose any weight since I started gaining it 20 years ago...

Maybe my 20 years of fat collecting process is too much already and my body is silently screaming for help...

But for now, I am bulimic by force and it sucked ~ big time~... :(

Blog 60: susah sangat ke untuk.......

time: 1.00 am

mula2 skali, seperti biase... entry aku kali ni bukan untuk bashing mane2 individu yg hidup ataupun yg masih mati.. sekadar untuk berkongsi sedikit senario yg kadang2 berlaku depan mate tapi kite slalu purak2 bute(termasuk aku skali yek! aku pon prangai hempeh gak kenkadang... huhu...) 

nway, just a simple question... hmmm....  susah sangat ke untuk.....

a) menerima setiap teguran dengan hati terbuka n jadik kan ia as something yg boleh mengubah kita secara baik? kalu pon kita agak x puas hati, apa salahnya melihat dari sudut positif iaitu masih ada org yg sayang n amek berat pasal diri kita dan berharap kita menjadik yg terbaek instead of tak penah amek kisah yg kita ni hidop atau tidak?

b) bergembira bersama org yg tersayang bile sesuatu mood gembira cuba dihasilkan tanpa perlu ade jek yg nak rosak kan keadaan dengan mengeluarkan kate2 yg x sedap telinga ni nak mendengar? (kisah lame2 yg x besh or impian2 invidu yg x kesampaian tapi bile ade pluang org nak bagi as hadiah, mesti kene wat org lain saket hati dulu...hmm...)

c) tidak menjadik TERLALU SENSITIF sampai peringkat sume mende yg org cakap akan menjadik kudis di hati walaupon mende tu bukanlah seriosa sangat? padahal si empunya diri sendirik pon bukanla tahap mulut ade insurans... haha....

d) sentiasa hidup dalam ketidakpuas-hatian (ape punye perkataan daa... hancus!).. sampai kita lupa apa erti gembira sebenarnya... ntah2 bile dah sakit kronik baru nak carik ape tu erti kegembiraan sebenar.. uiks.. macam cakap pasal seseorang... sape yek??? hmmmmm...... sape makan sambal blacan dia la yg gatal idong, ye intansidek.....

e) tunjuk kan usaha untuk pulihkan sesuatu keadaan selain dr membatukan diri n buat2 x tau... xpecially kalu ade org2 yg lebey tua disekeliling... sampai yg lebey tua yg mula ckp dulu... ego sangat.. uish.... hebat... tinggi nilai sopan santun...

terus terang cakap.. kenkadang aku penat sebenarnya... penat melihat mende yg sama jadik berkali2, isu yg sama yg jadik punca bergadoh n berselisih pendapat tapi hakikatnya mende ni x penah dijadikan iktibar untuk mengubah diri menjadik sesuatu yg lebey positif... 

aku penat sebenarnya mendengar kata2 sinis org yg konon2 x suke dengar bile aku tegur n bagi nasihat atas alasan x leh berubah lah, org x paham akulah tp bile datang masalah n x tau nak settle camne, akan mintak buah pikiran aku pulak... 

aku penat bile orang hanya ingat kat aku bile ade problem n nak mintak tolong aku buat ni buat tu tp bile mase2 gembira aku cakap sikit langsung x leh terima... seolah2 macam aku ni x abes skolah...

aku penat bile aku ade problem, aku x leh nak lepaskan semuanya pasal aku x de 'dinding' yg boleh aku jadik kan absorber, tempat untuk aku berkelakuan macam budak2 sekali sekala pasal otak aku pon ade mase2nya bengong seketika....

aku penat kerana terus teranglah, ok... dengan menjadik seseorang problem solver atau pendengar masalah orang menjadik kan aku tidak adil dengan diri aku sendirik.. aku cuba untuk tidak buat sebarang kesilapan tapi mane ade manusia yg x buat silap tapi bile yg buat silap tu ialah AKU.. hmmm.... berguni2 rase guilt yg datang dalam diri kerana orang yg pandai2 nak nasihat n tegor org cam aku ni mane layak buat salah.. kalu x jangan tegor orangla wey!!! (emo melampau ni.. knape ek?)

HOW CAN I ADVICE OTHERS ON THE RIGHT THINGS TO DO OR THE RIGHT PATH TO TAKE WHEN MY OWN LIFE IS FAR BEYOND PERFECT? truthfully, sometimes i question my own judgement and sanity at some point...

HOW CAN I TELL OTHER PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY AND POSITIVE ALL THE TIME WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH NEGATIVITY IN MY OWN PATHETIC LIFE?

HOW CAN I HOPE FOR THINGS TO BE ROSY AND LIFE WOULD BE PEACHY WHEN MY OWN LIFE IS PRACTICALLY ENDING?

so, ape yg ade dalam hidup ni sebenarnya? pain? suffering? sadness? anguish? despair?

my dear, that's why there's hope... 

tak salah kalau ade harapan untuk hidup sampai 100 tahun walaupon doc cakap jantung mungkin boley tahan max lagi 20 tahun jek, itupon kalu ngan berat badan yg ideal... kalu lebey half maka kuranglah tempoh yg doc bagi tu by half... hmmm.. kalu more than half? brape lame yg aku ade sebenarnye, ek? (alah... macam ade org kesah pon...) 

tak salah kalau ade keinginan nak ade baby sendirik even if i know the possibility of having dat samelah macam kalu aku boley kawen ngan MINNIE.. heheheh....

tak salah kalau ade niat nak dapat duit ribu riban supaya abah, mama n siblings dapat hidup ngan lebey gembira walaupon hakikatnya aku tau kalau dibagi pilihan 1 billion ringgit or my health, they will choose me... (i hope.. theeheee...) ....

well... that's why....

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end, each of us must work for our own improvement and, at the same time, share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful.

- Marie Curie

so tu lah sebabnye knape Mrs. Curie ni banyak sangat achievement dia... dpt 2 Nobel Prize, first female prof kat University of Paris n dpt cipta radium.. haa.. intansidek, ko ader?? hahaha......... aishhhhhhhh.................

Blog 56: Sorry for the long silence everyone!

time: 11.00 am

I have decided to start a new blog where I could put all my creative writings and short stories.. well, it's kinda place for me to channel my inner hidden creativity.. ha ha ha! It's just that I suddenly realized that I have stopped writing for more than 6 years and my creative juices have completely dried up and it has became so bad until I felt my life has lost its spark... hmm, so this is my attempt to capture back all the things that used to make me happy and hopefully, I would be happier, too...  :)

p/s: I'm trying to complete at least 5 stories before I reveal the link to my new blog.. please bear with me since my writing skills are a bit rusty...