Blog 53: i am a horrible pretender....

time: 6.00 p.m.

i hereby declare myself as a horrible pretender... why? simply because i can't act like everything is ok if it's not... however, i refuse to use the word 'hypocrite' here becoz it has a vast meaning n i couldn't be 100% sure dat i am hypocrite-free of everything (btw, is there such a word is hypocrite-free? sheeshhh.. who cares?!?)

my students n some of my friends were quite disappointed when i decided not to attend an event organized by my school this friday... zue, my daughter, was quite mad n i could not blame her coz i knew she n her friends have been practicing hard for the event... so, zue... omma would like to say sorry again, ok... :)

then i started to question myself... what was the real reason why i decided not to go? then it became clear.. it is obvious because i know i can't pretend that i am happy, i can't smile n say i'm fine if anyone asks about my well-being n most importantly... I CAN NOT PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY IF I SEE A CERTAIN SOMEONE (or maybe two people... hmmm...) becoz i know my face, my facial expression n heck! even my body language will definitely indicate how much i loathe them n this is something inevitable becoz as i hev stated above.. i am a horrible pretender....

so, to those whom i hate, don't worry.. u guyz will know that i hate u n if u wanna return the favour.. pffft! bring it on n see if i even care, suckahhh!!

Blog 52: OMG! evil people do exist!

time: 9.00 pm

this is a continuation from my previous entry, so to make thing clearer pliz read the first part of this interesting issue which brings us to this epic anecdote.....

okay... let me write some stuff here n u guys read them first but pliz do not make any prejudgement or show any form of biasness either for or against me...

1) a person uses my name to make an important call to the head office (or higher!) for any reason, without me knowing about it n when what she did came to my attention, that person just pretended that it was nothing, did not even apologize or give any sort of explanation on her action.... (so, it means that what she did was okay?)

2) my personal letter, addressed to me, was opened n read when i was not around, again without any valid, solid reason (hello.. i have a phone, right?).. n the content was used as an issue to incriminate me because i was seen as incompetent n useless... (so, sick people do not have the right to have their own privacy, izzit?)

3) a call was made to my head examiner by the same person, saying how terrible my performance was as a teacher, how i was always on mc (blahblahblah), i did not do my work in school and at the end of the conversation, (oho, this is precious!) she offered herself to replace me... (nice... bravo! 10 points for being a sneaky, slimy snake!)

4) i was bashed in the panel meeting (i did not attend becoz i was already on unpaid leave), saying that i was an irresponsible person who took unpaid leave without thinking about my work and my students, refusing to care about their final exam ... then, saying that SHE has to do all the marking for my F1 classes n the truth is she did not even call me to say/ask/instruct me on anything... (bashing n saying bad, untruthful things about a person who was not there on the first place, hmmm... i have nothing but 'respect' for her n her twisted mind...)

5) this person also voiced out her concern for my F1 students, saying things like, "I'm so worried about the F1 students, how can they answer the final year exam questions? They did not know anything!" with the intention to show that i did nothing, i mean NOTHING for my students this whole year... (a polite way of saying that i only entered the class, sit n do nothing becoz my students do not know anything about english... i repeat, my students do not know ANYTHING about my subject... wow! awesome!)

so my dear readers, do i have the right to be angry at her? did she cross the line? what would u guyz do if all these would have happened to you? fyi... all these scenarios really happened n i was the real victim (no, shit!)... actually, there are a lot more insane, unexplainable things that this person did for the whole year but i only told u guys the special things she did personally to me... nice, right?

when i watch all those dramas (indon/korean/hindustani/japanese,/thai/purfavor series etc) there is always this particular person who become the epitome of evilness, so vile until you could not imagine that this person would exist in this world (n they usually have tragic endings too like being run down by a truck or train, fall into a deep cavern, become insane or at least ended in a comatose state...). i used to feel that too but now i know for a fact that this type of people is far from imaginary, heck! they even function and adapt well in society... so, what does this say about the world we are living right now, eh?

read n say this out loud in a spooky, sixth-sense-haley-joel-osment voice..

I see crazy people.
Walking around like ordinary people.
They don't care about others.
They only see and believe what they want to believe.
They don't know that that they are frickin' insane...

Blog 51: let's face the harsh reality for a while, okay?

time: 7.00 a.m.

assalamualaikum... aigoo, lama betul x update blog.. knape yek, cin intan? ntahlah, telalu banyak sangat benda2 x best yg berlaku pada aku yg terjadik one after another sampai aku x sempat langsung nak menarik nafas lega. so, tu la pasal aku betul2 xde mood nak update blog... err, konkrit x alasan aku nih? haha....

bulan oct cume 2 entry jek?? ish.. intan ni amat2 mengecewakanlah! ok, put everything aside, aku dah mula bersemangat nak menulis n ade banyak, n i really mean BANYAK gile mende nak tulis so let's start wif the first one.....

this time, aku nak share beberape harsh reality yg aku terpaksa hadapi sejak aku mula x sehat nih.. opps, jgn risau.. cume nak tunjuk beberapa mende yg perhaps orang lain x berapa tau so hopefully dapatla aku nyer entry n pengalaman hidup aku ni dijadikan panduan untuk org lain (ey, shape tah yg nak jadikan panduan hidup? prasan giler minah debab nih!)

okey, err... watie, along pinjam sistem nombor watie jap, bley? saje nak tukar care tulis skali skala.. huhuhu...

1) sejak aku mula sakit, aku punye level of performance memang dah sampai tahap teruk giler baban. tcer intan yg dikenali orang sebagai pembuat soalan, pembuat modul, penceramah bebas (seminar b. inggeris ok! bukan bab2 politik dsb nyeh..) , penceramah x bebas (ni kene gi atas arahan ppd or jpn), guru tuisyen, guru klas tambahan, guru xtra coaching x rasmi (klas yg dibuat suka suki after skool 2 assist my students yang mane berminat in writing n lit) dan penanda kertas sudah tidak mampu lagi menjadi superwoman/wonderwoman (mana lagi seksi yek? hahha) seperti di atas... sampai klas biasa everyday pon aku x larat giler so bayangkanlah macam mane sedehnye aku melihat keadaan 'ketidakupayaan' diriku sendiri pd tahun ni. tu lah sebabnye aku penah cakap bukan nye sronok pon bile orang asyik dok tanye pasal keadaan aku setiap kali diorang jumpe aku pasal somehow, every time org dok tunjuk simpati, pd mase yg same it also somehow mocks my tahap 'ketidakupayaan' diriku sendirik...

2) when u r sick, people will be sympathetic for a while tapi lama2 org akan jadik bosan bile setiap kali orang nampak aku sakit x sembuh2... betul, aku x tipu... aku dpt rasakan level tahap simpati sesetengah org yg mula bertukar jadik menyampah ngan keadaan diri aku bile terdengar respon2 spontan camni... "aiks, sakit lagi?" or "laa.. kali ni brape hari plak cuti?".... obviouskan? tp jgn silap faham, aku faham knape org2 sebegini rase bosan ngan keadaan aku pasal aku rase kalau aku dalam keadaan diorang pon aku akan rase bosan gak at some point. tapi bezanya aku ngan org2 camni yelah aku akan lebih lembut hati n aku akan cuba sehabis boleh untuk cuba mengambil kira perasaan n keadaan orang tersebut sebelum mengeluarkan kata2 yg aku tau x akan membawa apa2 kebaikan selain hanya untuk menyakitkan hati orang yg sakit itu...

3) bile aku mula sakit, masalah timbul bile aku rase sume org rase terbeban ngan keadaan aku. no. 1 in skool rase terbeban nak settle kan masalah aku yg terpaksa masuk 'pool'. no.2 terbeban ngan situasi dimana jadual aku terpaksa dirombak n diubah untuk memudahkan aku (i am really thanful for dat!)... cume beberape orang jek yg aku rase pura2 terbeban (kononnye) tp sebenarnya bukan buat ape2 sangat pon kecuali 'menganyam ketupat' n menjadi pembuat spekulasi x berbayar yg menjadikan aku sebagai scape goat diorang dalam sesetengah keadaan... takpe, aku terima tu sume sebab aku tau aku sendirik pon very2 incompetent tapi buat golongan2 yg pakar dalam buat kecoh, menikam aku dari belakang n menangguk di air keruh di atas keadaan aku sekarang (fuyoo! tcer intan gune peribahasa melayu yg die sendirik x sure maksud die ape.. huhu) hanya Allah sahaja yg akan membalas segala perbuatan korang sebab aku sebagai hambanya yg lemah langsung x de kekuatan n tahap kemaafan yg tinggi untuk memaafkan korang... (ayat bm terabur! kesian cikgu bm aku~)... bak kate omputih yg rude giler ni.. 'burn in hell b******!'... (opps.... astagfirullah!! ish ish ish cik intan....)


to be continued.... (panjang lagi citer ni... sabar....)