Blog 63: 2010~a retrospective view of my life...

salam peeps!

aigoo... i think this is the most difficult entry yg aku kene tulis.. beribu kali aku type n delete n type again n delete again until i realized something...

susahnya nak write a simple summary on the memorable events which happened 2 me for the past year!! so i cracked my head and i came up with this solution.... i'm gonna make some sort of categories and we'll see what happens, ok? huhuhu.... i'll call these categories as The Good, The Bad and The Whadehel moments, ok?

~The Good~

1. 31.03.2010 will be forever in my mind coz dats the day i started my wonderful blog and this blog is now my saviour... this is the place where i share my feelings, my POV on certain things, the perfect outlet to pour everything out when i really want to punch someone or when i am down wif my illness. it's also my love testament to my beloved pink bunny Minnie.. hehehe....

2. yaya n nuha came to this world n made me realize how beautiful life is.. how magical, how magnificent, how ... err.. i don't think i could find any suitable words to describe how special these two munchkins to me.. so much so until i swear i am willing to cut both of my arm(pits) for them.. (hahha.. tapi macam mane mau makan kalu xde tangan??? hahahha.... lame joke, i know...)   

3. i learn a new meaning of love n how this world is actually spinning because of it.. i saw my parents cried because they r afraid 2 lose me... i gained new friends who gave me non-stop support n encouragement, my siblings appreciate me more than ever, i know now that Minnie means everything 2 me.. hahahaha! (the last part is a hyperbole, peeps.. or izzit??? hehehe)..


4. i'm now a good observer... b4 diz, i was too emotional n slalu go wif the flow.. (e.g. kalu bab kutuk2 org.. aku yg xde kaitan pon slalu join nak tambah dosa) but now i believe that i am wiser.. wiser in the sense that i don't want my short life to be filled with hatred n negativity so if anything shitty happens 2 me.. i would take a deep breath n try to understand and view the issue from any possible angle. however, i have 2 admit, sometimes things r not that easy, especially coz there r people who falls under the pathetic re'turd's category yg selalunya mmg wujud as a sinful temptation for weak people like me to tambah dosa... aish.... so, i really need 2 be strong and wise to know that these people do not deserve even a tiny bit of compassion from me and i will discard them easily, like yaya n nuha's soiled pampers (ewewew!!) coz these shitty people mean nothing 2 me...


5. uda gave my my beloved Corby!! hurray!! mmg dah lame berkenan gile nak Corby nih n so far, it has served me well. i may be so mengade2, yelah.. nengok ifonfor nak satu, nengok blekberi nak satu, nengok aipet nak satu.. haish.. tp hakikatnye aku mmg seswai pkai Corby jek coz function die mmg seswai ngan aku.. hahha.. skarang ni tengah demam samsung galeksiteb plak.. x kire! nak jugak... hurmph!! i'll get one as a present 4 me on my birthday.. hhahahha! me don't care! muahahahahahhah!


6. I REALLY2 LOVE MY ABAH + MAMA + ANGAH/IKA/YAYA + UDA/EPOL/NUHA + ATIE + YANA + ACEN...walaupun jantung along lemah n x mampu berdegup kuat, setiap sisa degupan yg ada is entirely becoz of u guyz.. tq 4 being there 4 me during my highest and lowest moments... I WUV U GUYZ BERI2 MUCHO!amuah amuah amuah! (tiru nuka kissing style minus the saliva.. hewhewhew)

~The Bad~

1. hate de fact that i am a 30-year-old person with a heart prob. still couldn't accept the fact, actually but bile nengok the amount of meds i hev to take every single day, i know that's my personal life's cruel irony. i hate how my mental abilities have degraded so much until i am so frustrated wif my own 'lembab'ness and ke'lambat pick-up'an in some situation.. benci2.. i know how sharp my mind is but now it's so f***ing slow, so much so until i really feel like slapping my own face when things so simple looked so darn complicated... how i could produce something in a blink of an eye but now i really have to sit down, think, plan and write everything on a piece of paper so that it makes sense... how f***ing frustrating is that? serious shit wif a capital S, dowh! 


2. when i browsed through my previous entries, i hate the 'emo' me... 'emo intansidek' was so negative n she let her negativity controlled her life. she lost control n self-composure along the way but alhamdulillah, she managed to find the right path again with the wonderful support around her. y am i writing diz as a third person POV? simple.. i don't want 'emo intansidek' to appear again so i am not deleting any of my previous entries becoz they serve as a reminder for that dark episode of my life...


3. i met some really evil, heartless people last year... b4 diz, i didn't realize that human beings can be so vile on the inside yet parading around with a silhouette of an angel.. yup... this kind of people exist, peeps! seriously i tell u! ish ish ish... n like what i typed earlier, they functioned well in society! nice, huh?

~The Whadehel??~

(puke colour... hahha.. take that! :P)

1. my meltdowns... malu gak bile mengenangkan yg i experienced serious mental meltdown more than once.. u know the kind yg 'me-dowan-2-live-anymore-becoz-me-hate-life-n-life-iz not fair' shit? yup, that kind... i blamed everyone n everything sampai i did things yg buat my condition become worse.. ish ish ish... intansidek, kenape anda terok sangat? sungguh lemah n tidak ade langsung semangat yg waja... pathetic, right peeps?


2. certain2 special individuals yg x tau knape hendak mengambil kesempatan di atas keadaan aku pd mase tu... x taula due to what reasons, mayb becoz aku kot yg terok or perhaps i was just conveniently there, in my weakest moment n these individuals saw me as a perfect scape goat to blame me 4 everything, even atas mende2 yg x de kaitan ngan aku pon... adakah ini sume perasaan aku jek, kawan2? tidak2... perkara2 di atas betul2 berlaku n yg beshnye individu2 ini boley bercakap2 n bertepuk-tampar (ececeh.. ayat x hengat!) ngan aku seolah2 macam mende tu x de pape... kagum, kan? amazing!


3. mende2 penting aku yg sentiasa kejap ade kejap xde.. pelan tindakan yg aku dah buat walaupon mase tu aku tgh sakit org kate aku tak buat walaupon aku dah hantar pada org2 yg sepatutnye.. kertas pekse aku org x jumpe walaupon aku dah buat, kire n bungkus sesempurna mungkin n letak kan di tempat yg sepatutnye.. yg paling hebat yelah aku nyer register yg x nampak batang idong walaupon aku rase macam aku x pegang mende tu tp masalahnye aku x ingat langsung bile last time aku pegang mende tu.. terbaaaeeek, kan??!? ini lah namenye nyanyok tahap kronik........ hewhewhew..............



oklah peeps! tulah serba sedikit mende2 memorable yg jadik kat aku sepanjang tahon ni.. lebey banyak buruk dari baik, lebey banyak kumpul dosa dr pahala, lebey mundur dari maju ke depan n obviously... diz is so not u, intansidek! u r stronger than diz so pliz change n be a better person, ok! banyak org sayang n care about u so balas balik kasih sayang diorang ngan berjanji 2 do ur very best in everything n most importantly, do not give up b4 u even start fighting becoz that would be the worst thing that u can do.. u might do a lot of stoopid things but being a coward n a wussy is so not u.. so buck up, grit ur teeth, lessen the whining part and say diz loudly..life, what ever u wanna give me, BRING IT ON, BEYBEH! owh yeah! GERONIMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sape, ek pakcik ni?? sesedap rase jek org sebut name dia kalu nak kamikaze wat something...)




anywhooooooooooooo....

HAPPY NEW YEAR peeeps!!

~~~coretan tahapehape 9~~~

meet my new luv... 

MR FLUFFLES!

nuha yg bagi.. hehhehe... 

me wuv nuha beri2 mucho!  

muah muah muah!

same ngan Minnie punye!! but die nyer warne pink!! hahahhah! 

Blog 62: intansidek's travel blog... de 1st stop... Cameron Highlands...

time: 8.00 pm

the first stop of my journey of self discovery is.... cameron highlands!! pecaye x? after 30 years of living, ni lah first time aku naik sampai tanah rata.. puas hati betul! atie sibok nak ikot.. hehehhe... pastu tetibe ude, epol n nuha pon pegi same... uiks! pastu barulah ude pecah lobang.. she said abah specifically told her, 'jangan biar along hang jalan sendirik!'... aish.. abah nih... dah umor lanjut camni pon, i'm still a little girl to him... tapi x pe ah.. sronok gak ramai2.. so ni pic hotel kitorang.... (terpakse amek kat tenet pasal mase aku sampai sane hujan punyela lebat sampai x leh turun amek gamba...) sejok nye ya Allah.. x yah citer la... macam kat seoul (ececeh.. bile mase lak aku gi sane, ek?).. minah debab in perasan mode~~ heheh...

Hotel De La Fern ~ hula hula~~

bilik kitorang~ indahnye~

 tempat makan ala feeling feeling gitew...

puas makan stoberi besar2 saiz bapok jin (kate org ganu) celup coklat n gula.. yum yum... tapi aku ngan atie kene turun awal pasal atie kene amek ape ke mende tah sludge ke slushies ke slurpee ke... lagipon aku kan nak gi mengembara, kalu duduk lame2 kat hotel ngan ude, tu namenye becuti.. bukannye a journey of self discovery.. haish! so aku ngan atie turn pi my next stop... parit buntar at 5.45 am... takot giler, sey! gelap gulita pastu xde keta lak tuh... haish!! ni gamba2 yg ude tangkap kat cameron.. kang x de bukti kitorang gi sane pulak... (gamba stoberi celop coklat tarak.. asal nak amek gamba je intansidek si pirana dah abes melantak sume.. hewhewhew...)

 bunga2 indah berwarna-warni~

daun teh yg menghijau~

okeis.... siap laporkan my first stop... akan kembali sekali lagi dengan my report on my second stop.. parit buntar.... hehhe...

Blog 61: intansidek's travel blog... de' intro...

time: 9.00 pm

seperti yg aku gambarkan pada entry aku sebelom nih, korang dapat rasakan yg aku dah mula rasa lost, kan? ntahlah.. kebelakangan ni aku rase aku perlu re-evaluate balik my life pasal bila umur dah masuk dekad ke 3 ni, aku hilang punca ape sebenarnye yg aku nak dalam hidup aku dan banyak mane lagi aku perlu untuk memikirkan pasal orang lain and slalu terlupa akan kebahagian aku sendirik.. emo gile kan? ape nak buat.. umur dah lanjut.. hehehhe...

oleh itu..........

i hev decided to take my personal journey of self discovery... alah... macam kalu korang suke nengok drama2 jepon slalu ade watak2 yg buat gini, xpecially kalu they felt 'lost'.... slalunye diorang gi travel naek basikal.. kire2 backpackingla.. tapi since aku ni nak kayuh sampai lepas porch pon pancit.. x pon tayar meletop or rim melendut... aku terpaksa improvise dengan tukar naek keter.. konsep nye tetap same, aku akan drive ke mana2 lah yg aku nak, stop bile aku rase penat n aku akan rakam segale2nye dalam blog aku ni, ok!...

aja aja intansidek! safe jouney and moga2 aku dapat 'lihat' ape yg sepatutnye aku lihat yg dapat membawa perubahan dalam hidup aku yg aku rase suck giler skarang ni... hwaiting!

Blog 60: susah sangat ke untuk.......

time: 1.00 am

mula2 skali, seperti biase... entry aku kali ni bukan untuk bashing mane2 individu yg hidup ataupun yg masih mati.. sekadar untuk berkongsi sedikit senario yg kadang2 berlaku depan mate tapi kite slalu purak2 bute(termasuk aku skali yek! aku pon prangai hempeh gak kenkadang... huhu...) 

nway, just a simple question... hmmm....  susah sangat ke untuk.....

a) menerima setiap teguran dengan hati terbuka n jadik kan ia as something yg boleh mengubah kita secara baik? kalu pon kita agak x puas hati, apa salahnya melihat dari sudut positif iaitu masih ada org yg sayang n amek berat pasal diri kita dan berharap kita menjadik yg terbaek instead of tak penah amek kisah yg kita ni hidop atau tidak?

b) bergembira bersama org yg tersayang bile sesuatu mood gembira cuba dihasilkan tanpa perlu ade jek yg nak rosak kan keadaan dengan mengeluarkan kate2 yg x sedap telinga ni nak mendengar? (kisah lame2 yg x besh or impian2 invidu yg x kesampaian tapi bile ade pluang org nak bagi as hadiah, mesti kene wat org lain saket hati dulu...hmm...)

c) tidak menjadik TERLALU SENSITIF sampai peringkat sume mende yg org cakap akan menjadik kudis di hati walaupon mende tu bukanlah seriosa sangat? padahal si empunya diri sendirik pon bukanla tahap mulut ade insurans... haha....

d) sentiasa hidup dalam ketidakpuas-hatian (ape punye perkataan daa... hancus!).. sampai kita lupa apa erti gembira sebenarnya... ntah2 bile dah sakit kronik baru nak carik ape tu erti kegembiraan sebenar.. uiks.. macam cakap pasal seseorang... sape yek??? hmmmmm...... sape makan sambal blacan dia la yg gatal idong, ye intansidek.....

e) tunjuk kan usaha untuk pulihkan sesuatu keadaan selain dr membatukan diri n buat2 x tau... xpecially kalu ade org2 yg lebey tua disekeliling... sampai yg lebey tua yg mula ckp dulu... ego sangat.. uish.... hebat... tinggi nilai sopan santun...

terus terang cakap.. kenkadang aku penat sebenarnya... penat melihat mende yg sama jadik berkali2, isu yg sama yg jadik punca bergadoh n berselisih pendapat tapi hakikatnya mende ni x penah dijadikan iktibar untuk mengubah diri menjadik sesuatu yg lebey positif... 

aku penat sebenarnya mendengar kata2 sinis org yg konon2 x suke dengar bile aku tegur n bagi nasihat atas alasan x leh berubah lah, org x paham akulah tp bile datang masalah n x tau nak settle camne, akan mintak buah pikiran aku pulak... 

aku penat bile orang hanya ingat kat aku bile ade problem n nak mintak tolong aku buat ni buat tu tp bile mase2 gembira aku cakap sikit langsung x leh terima... seolah2 macam aku ni x abes skolah...

aku penat bile aku ade problem, aku x leh nak lepaskan semuanya pasal aku x de 'dinding' yg boleh aku jadik kan absorber, tempat untuk aku berkelakuan macam budak2 sekali sekala pasal otak aku pon ade mase2nya bengong seketika....

aku penat kerana terus teranglah, ok... dengan menjadik seseorang problem solver atau pendengar masalah orang menjadik kan aku tidak adil dengan diri aku sendirik.. aku cuba untuk tidak buat sebarang kesilapan tapi mane ade manusia yg x buat silap tapi bile yg buat silap tu ialah AKU.. hmmm.... berguni2 rase guilt yg datang dalam diri kerana orang yg pandai2 nak nasihat n tegor org cam aku ni mane layak buat salah.. kalu x jangan tegor orangla wey!!! (emo melampau ni.. knape ek?)

HOW CAN I ADVICE OTHERS ON THE RIGHT THINGS TO DO OR THE RIGHT PATH TO TAKE WHEN MY OWN LIFE IS FAR BEYOND PERFECT? truthfully, sometimes i question my own judgement and sanity at some point...

HOW CAN I TELL OTHER PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY AND POSITIVE ALL THE TIME WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH NEGATIVITY IN MY OWN PATHETIC LIFE?

HOW CAN I HOPE FOR THINGS TO BE ROSY AND LIFE WOULD BE PEACHY WHEN MY OWN LIFE IS PRACTICALLY ENDING?

so, ape yg ade dalam hidup ni sebenarnya? pain? suffering? sadness? anguish? despair?

my dear, that's why there's hope... 

tak salah kalau ade harapan untuk hidup sampai 100 tahun walaupon doc cakap jantung mungkin boley tahan max lagi 20 tahun jek, itupon kalu ngan berat badan yg ideal... kalu lebey half maka kuranglah tempoh yg doc bagi tu by half... hmmm.. kalu more than half? brape lame yg aku ade sebenarnye, ek? (alah... macam ade org kesah pon...) 

tak salah kalau ade keinginan nak ade baby sendirik even if i know the possibility of having dat samelah macam kalu aku boley kawen ngan MINNIE.. heheheh....

tak salah kalau ade niat nak dapat duit ribu riban supaya abah, mama n siblings dapat hidup ngan lebey gembira walaupon hakikatnya aku tau kalau dibagi pilihan 1 billion ringgit or my health, they will choose me... (i hope.. theeheee...) ....

well... that's why....

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end, each of us must work for our own improvement and, at the same time, share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful.

- Marie Curie

so tu lah sebabnye knape Mrs. Curie ni banyak sangat achievement dia... dpt 2 Nobel Prize, first female prof kat University of Paris n dpt cipta radium.. haa.. intansidek, ko ader?? hahaha......... aishhhhhhhh.................

Blog 59: updates on my lurvely ladies....

time: 10.00 am

morning peeps! dah lame i didn't update my angels' change n progress... both of them have grown up so fast sampai x sedar yg pwincess yaya dah 10 months old and tumbam nuha bam bam is catching up fast, just younger by 2 n a half months... aigoo... my lil' darlings are growing up to be such beautiful young ladies! omma is very2 proud n happy to see korang 2 ni membesar dengan sihat n happy..  thanx angah n ika plus uda n epol for giving me these two lil' cute tots to luv n cherish for the rest of my life....

Taking pic wif atok... look at nuha's rocker's pose.. siap ngan finger n facial expression! ni musti blaja from cik yan nih! yana... ape hang ajar si nuha nih??

DRAMA SEBABAK PWINCESS YAYA n NUHA BAM BAM

Pwincess Yaya

Nuha, keter unni ade probs siketla.. asyik2 sangkut jek tayar die...

Nuha Bam Bam

Alorrr.. ye ke? meh sini Nuha nengok... senang jek ni.. tayar sangkut habok kot, x pon rambot bergulung2 kat tayar.. tulah, unni banyak rambut sangat...hehehe...

Nuha Bam Bam

hmm.... nengok ckit tayar.. okeih bley pusing2.. tarik sikit rambot tersangkot..sapu2 ckit habok melekat.. ish ish...

Nuha Bam Bam

okeis.. tada! sudah bley jalan cam biase.. hehhe....

Pwincess Yaya

owh.. thanx! nah upah 5 sen... hahah

Nuha Bam Bam

5 sen namo... nak share bubur vegetarian bley? hehehhe...

Pwincess Yaya

no prob! mama... bubur vegetarian xtra ari nie! nuha nak ckit!

hahahahahahahhaha......... (hasil kerje omma mase boring....) 

p/s: btw, yaya mmg makan bubur nasik vegetarian.. she's allergic to chicken and ikan bilis so kesian dia kene makan bubur n veggies jek... 

Blog 58: finally.. i have made my choice...

time: 2.00 am

after countless hours of searching for templates, i finally choose this template as my background to upgrade my blog... hehhe.. fell in lurve with the concept of a gurl on that swing made from a safety pin... heheh.. is there anything between the lines? hmmm... sendirik tengok n sendirik buat tafsiran masing2 yek... 

me n me dad dah ok.. it was nothing actually, aku jek yg terlebey emo (as usual...).. ntahla knape, aku kalu bab 'ter'snap or 'ter'yell kay my parents nih.. it's something very2 big for me.. aku x leh wat2 dono.. hoping that x de mende jadik.. what will happen is bile aku nengok muke my abah jek.. aku dah nak start meraung.. aish... kronik kan? so camne aku nak buat2 x tau n belagak macam aku x wat salah ape2 pon?

2-3 minggu nih aku dapat kontek balik my frens from primary school.. way back mase aku dudok kal melaka dulu.. fuyooooo! banyak citer2 lame tuh! nantilah.. aku akan citerkan ngan lebey lanjut dlm blog aku yg seterusnye.. keep on reading, peeps!

p/s: intansidek berjanji akan cuba untuk mengupdate blog sekerap mungkin.... walaupon xde sape yg kesah nak bace.. hohoho! :P

Blog 57: I need a change...

time: 10.00 am

i've made a total change on my blogs layout... don't ask me why, i just think a change would be good for me... kinda of tired of the past template and it kills my mood to update everything.. hoho! blaming my template for my serious laziness.. hehehhe... feels a bit down this couple of days.... need to evaluate my life back and remember of all the good things i have... need to uplift my spirit! aish! Minnie pon dah agak happy skarang n his cheerful face is very very adorable... so i hev to be happy too! come on! think of happy thoughts and gain back my self confidence! you can do it, intan! fighting! 

p/s: i snapped at my abah really bad n i'm so ~dying of guilt! Maaf banyak2 abah, along x sengaja... i'm so so sorry... i just couldn't control my anger n it's like a fire, slowly eating me from inside.. i really2 didn't mean what i said.. i'm so so sorry... (n the fact dat he just let it slipped and pretended that nothing happened and kissed my head the next morning... sigh... that showed how good he is as a father and how i really suck in being his first child... aish...... wuwuwuuw.....)

~~~coretan tahapehape 8~~~

Why do I think he is perfect?

Couldn't be more obvious than this....

 ~Minnie, I shall call you Squishy 

and 

you shall be MINE 

and 

you shall be MY Squishy~  

ARASO?!!

...Come on, Squishy Come on, little Squishy Come on, my little Minnie squishy....

aigoo........

Blog 56: Sorry for the long silence everyone!

time: 11.00 am

I have decided to start a new blog where I could put all my creative writings and short stories.. well, it's kinda place for me to channel my inner hidden creativity.. ha ha ha! It's just that I suddenly realized that I have stopped writing for more than 6 years and my creative juices have completely dried up and it has became so bad until I felt my life has lost its spark... hmm, so this is my attempt to capture back all the things that used to make me happy and hopefully, I would be happier, too...  :)

p/s: I'm trying to complete at least 5 stories before I reveal the link to my new blog.. please bear with me since my writing skills are a bit rusty...

Blog 55: intansidek 101 ~twilight zone version~

time: 9.00 pm

10 things yg org x tau pasal aku
(n some of them aku pon baru tau! harharhar!)

1) if i am writing about something yg buat aku emo, i tend to use full english... buktinyeh, tengok my previous blog about me mum.. full english siap ngan selected vocab lagi... ahahahha., aku bace balik pon aku rase pelik.. tapi bukan aku sengaje yek.. aku pon x sedar apasal bile aku emo otak aku jadik terlebey skema n akhirnya menghasilkan blog yg macam nak jawab soalan BI SPM 119...

2) kenkadang bile aku dengar lagu melayu, terutama yg mendayu2 zaman rock kapak dulu, otak aku translatekan lirik tu jadik BI pastu aku hafal lirik tu versi BI... mende ni biasenye jadik ketika aku separa sedar like when i am driving or tengah mamai nak tido.... ade ketikanye jugak tetibe aku nyanyi lagu tu dlm versi BI tanpa kusedari...

3) kalu aku tengah marah giler, vocab carutan aku juga lebih banyak BI dr bahasa melayu. tp tu perkara biasa buat sume org kan? same goes kalu aku nak explain satu mende yg complicated, tetibe jek aku explain dengan panjang lebar dlm full BI , walaupon aku mulekan penerangan aku dalam BM, pastu aku x paham n hangin satu badan kenapa org yg dengar x paham ape yg aku cakap... sebenarnye, aku pon x sedar bile mase aku nye BM bley tukar ke BI pasal mase aku cakap tu otak aku x sedar yg aku tgh cakap 2 bahasa yg berlainan...

4) satu lagi mende klaka yg aku buat dulu mase aku nk SPM.. as u guyz know my BM sucks like hell, so aku blaja BM guna Adibah Amin nyer buku.. alah.. buku rujukan yg blaja BM guna BI tu.. barula aku paham.. kronik kan? name jek melayu.. hempeh btol!

5) bile aku tengah tensen tahap gaban, aku suka beli colouring book winnie the pooh pastu aku kaler sesuka-suki sampai tahap tensen aku berkurangan... tapi sadly the winnie the pooh colouring theraphy dah x jalan dah skarang.. mungkin pasal tahap tensen aku terlalu melampau or mungkin aku kene upgrade ke colouring book laen seperti spongebob, ultraman or kamen rider....

6) bile aku kene berjalan ke satu tempat, biasanya aku akan buat mental calculation brape langkah yg aku akan amek nak sampai ke tempat tuh.. pastu aku akan kira langkah aku (cthnye brape langkah dr keter aku yg aku baru park depan umah ke toilet umah aku).. mende ni banyak membantu aku terutama bile aku x tahan nak gi toilet pasal it distracts my mind kejap dr pikir pasal nk kencing...hahahhahha!

7) hobi aku dari dulu sampai skarang yelah menggaru tempat gigit nyamuk yg bengkak... slalunye mangse2 aku yelah adek2 aku n my parents.. aku suke buat mark X macam tanda rahsia harta karun kat tempat gigit nyamuk tu.. adek2 aku sampai skarang kalau kene gigit nyamuk stil suruh aku buat tanda X tu walaupon ade yg dah ade anak sendirik, betol x ude? hahahah...

8) dulu mase aku sihat, aku boley bace buku citer ngan super cepat... rekod aku yelah aku habiskan buku Harry Potter The Half Blood Prince dalam 1 malam.. time tu aku ade kursus kat Kota Bahru to after abih sesi ptg aku gi KB Mall beli dlm pukul 6 ptg, start baca lepas sesi malam abis dalam pkl 11 mlm n abis bace dlm pukul 4 pagi ngan menggunakan lampu toilet hotel pasal roomate aku dah tido... pastu aku sakit tengkok sepanjang sesi kursus berikutnyeh n mate pon macam nak meletop n terkeluar dr soket...

9) walaupon aku ni debab orangnye jgn terkejut ngan tahap fleksibiliti aku... dari dulu aku mmg boley split pasal aku ni penah buat gimrama (knape? x pecaya.. haiyoo.. aku x tipoolah!) n kalu kat skolah dulu ade jangkauan melunjur... alah, mende yg ko kene bengkok kan badan pastu cikgu PJ kira banyak mane ko boleh bend ur back tuh.. aaa.. akulah juaranyeh... time tu aku rase kalu aku bertanding peringkat olimpik pon musti aku menang.. bile aku dah tua baru aku sedar yg antara sebab2 yg membantu aku dulu yelah kerana kaki aku pendek.. har3! skarang baru aku paham ape perasaan yesung.. hahahahha! sori watie!

10) antara menda yg plg malas aku nk buat yelah kemas handbag aku... ude kate handbag aku macam tong sampah bergerak... pastu dia potpet x berenti.. skali die tertengok handbag yana bile yana dah start keje ni pastu terus x pot pet kat aku dah.. korang raser knape? harharhar! sori yana!! (n trima kasey kerana distractkan ummi nuha dari membebel psl handbagku.. huhuhu)

okies... dats all 4 now... kalu ade mende yg aku ingat, nanti aku update lagi.... hahahha.....

Blog 54: bits n pieces of my past... a tribute to my beautiful Mama on her 56th birthday...

time: 10.00 pm

I was born as the eldest child of six to a struggling young dad who was only 27 and a homemaker mom who was about the same age. Life was tough, especially when Abah decided that he wanted to venture out from his comfort zone of being near to his family as well as Mama's in Johor to secure a better future for his own family. My Mama used to work as a secretary but she stopped working when we moved to Malacca. Abah was promoted to a junior officer post at that time and both of them felt that Abah's salary was enough support us. Everything went well at first but then fate rolled its dice. What we wouldn't know for years to come after that was moving to Malacca had became the starting point on our arduous life journey.

Just like the old saying goes, 'when it rains, it pours' but in our situation, it could very well be called a thunderstorm. Money was tight and my parents had tried everything to make ends meet. We moved quite a lot due to various reasons and Mama's exceptional talent in sewing really came in handy. She was also a very good cook and that also helped us a lot, especially when she did some small catering business. I could still remember vividly how she cooked and sewed until late at night, sometimes till dawn. Since I was the eldest, the image of her back which was always bent on sewing baju kurung or baju kebaya or even preparing curry puffs was forever imprinted in my mind.

However, my parents; bless them, believed in one thing. Education was super important to them. Wait, before anyone could say 'oh well, another too good to be true tale' or claim my story as too Rider Digest-like, I would like to ask all of you personally, how many parents would prioritize their child's tuition classes and was willing to pay the expensive fees and to compensate for that we had to eat fried rice for the whole week or sometimes almost a fortnight. Fried rice, in the true sense of word, which was white rice fried with only long beans, onions and sometimes anchovies.

Many of you would wonder why did I choose to write all this as a tribute to my beloved Mama on her birthday. Truthfully, we just got back from celebrating her birthday and this year, we chose a special Korean restaurant as her birthday treat. The food was superb and the ambiance was fantastic. We were also personally served by an attendee who grilled the beef, seafood n mushroom. Here's a picture of the wonderful delicacy we had just now.

After dinner, we casually asked Mama about the food and this came out from her mouth.

"Mama bersyukur sangat korang semua belajar rajin-rajin, kerja elok dan bagi Mama peluang merasa makan kat tempat macam ni... "

"I am grateful that all of you studied really hard, have good jobs and gave me a chance to eat in a place like this... "

This simple yet meaningful sentence made me all teary because suddenly memories of my past; no, our past flashed in front of my eyes. Us eating plain fried rice everyday, painful memories of my Abah having to sell his car, then his motorcycle and in the end us going to school with Abah using the public bus or perhaps remembering how I had to split RM 1 and gave 30 cents each to Angah and Uda everyday as our recess and lunch money and so on and so forth.

Some sceptics might say, 'ah, so what? Some people don't even have rice to eat' but bear in mind, my parents were not some illiterate, uneducated people. They started as a young couple who did well in school and by right, should earn enough to start their own family and feed their children but sadly, they became one of fate's cruel ironies. Perhaps my story was not at the same par as Cinderella's but I know now for sure that eating all those bland fried rice and always being hungry in school and waking up early and running to catch the public bus with Abah didn't even matter anymore. We'd hit a rough patch but in the end it was Mama's happy smile on her wrinkly face which sealed it all; yup, we did well and we managed to make her proud and that's what really matters!

p/s: mama, along sayang sangat2 kat mama n along harap mama sentiasa sihat dan gembira. terima kasih di atas segala pengorbanan yg mama lakukan pada kami dari dulu hingga sekarang... bukan mama yg patut bersyukur dengan kejayaan kami, kami yg sepatutnya bersyukur kerana mama ngan abah x pernah putus asa menyuruh kami belajar sehingga ke tahap yang paling tinggi... terima kasih kerana percaya yg kami boleh berjaya...

Blog 53: i am a horrible pretender....

time: 6.00 p.m.

i hereby declare myself as a horrible pretender... why? simply because i can't act like everything is ok if it's not... however, i refuse to use the word 'hypocrite' here becoz it has a vast meaning n i couldn't be 100% sure dat i am hypocrite-free of everything (btw, is there such a word is hypocrite-free? sheeshhh.. who cares?!?)

my students n some of my friends were quite disappointed when i decided not to attend an event organized by my school this friday... zue, my daughter, was quite mad n i could not blame her coz i knew she n her friends have been practicing hard for the event... so, zue... omma would like to say sorry again, ok... :)

then i started to question myself... what was the real reason why i decided not to go? then it became clear.. it is obvious because i know i can't pretend that i am happy, i can't smile n say i'm fine if anyone asks about my well-being n most importantly... I CAN NOT PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY IF I SEE A CERTAIN SOMEONE (or maybe two people... hmmm...) becoz i know my face, my facial expression n heck! even my body language will definitely indicate how much i loathe them n this is something inevitable becoz as i hev stated above.. i am a horrible pretender....

so, to those whom i hate, don't worry.. u guyz will know that i hate u n if u wanna return the favour.. pffft! bring it on n see if i even care, suckahhh!!

Blog 52: OMG! evil people do exist!

time: 9.00 pm

this is a continuation from my previous entry, so to make thing clearer pliz read the first part of this interesting issue which brings us to this epic anecdote.....

okay... let me write some stuff here n u guys read them first but pliz do not make any prejudgement or show any form of biasness either for or against me...

1) a person uses my name to make an important call to the head office (or higher!) for any reason, without me knowing about it n when what she did came to my attention, that person just pretended that it was nothing, did not even apologize or give any sort of explanation on her action.... (so, it means that what she did was okay?)

2) my personal letter, addressed to me, was opened n read when i was not around, again without any valid, solid reason (hello.. i have a phone, right?).. n the content was used as an issue to incriminate me because i was seen as incompetent n useless... (so, sick people do not have the right to have their own privacy, izzit?)

3) a call was made to my head examiner by the same person, saying how terrible my performance was as a teacher, how i was always on mc (blahblahblah), i did not do my work in school and at the end of the conversation, (oho, this is precious!) she offered herself to replace me... (nice... bravo! 10 points for being a sneaky, slimy snake!)

4) i was bashed in the panel meeting (i did not attend becoz i was already on unpaid leave), saying that i was an irresponsible person who took unpaid leave without thinking about my work and my students, refusing to care about their final exam ... then, saying that SHE has to do all the marking for my F1 classes n the truth is she did not even call me to say/ask/instruct me on anything... (bashing n saying bad, untruthful things about a person who was not there on the first place, hmmm... i have nothing but 'respect' for her n her twisted mind...)

5) this person also voiced out her concern for my F1 students, saying things like, "I'm so worried about the F1 students, how can they answer the final year exam questions? They did not know anything!" with the intention to show that i did nothing, i mean NOTHING for my students this whole year... (a polite way of saying that i only entered the class, sit n do nothing becoz my students do not know anything about english... i repeat, my students do not know ANYTHING about my subject... wow! awesome!)

so my dear readers, do i have the right to be angry at her? did she cross the line? what would u guyz do if all these would have happened to you? fyi... all these scenarios really happened n i was the real victim (no, shit!)... actually, there are a lot more insane, unexplainable things that this person did for the whole year but i only told u guys the special things she did personally to me... nice, right?

when i watch all those dramas (indon/korean/hindustani/japanese,/thai/purfavor series etc) there is always this particular person who become the epitome of evilness, so vile until you could not imagine that this person would exist in this world (n they usually have tragic endings too like being run down by a truck or train, fall into a deep cavern, become insane or at least ended in a comatose state...). i used to feel that too but now i know for a fact that this type of people is far from imaginary, heck! they even function and adapt well in society... so, what does this say about the world we are living right now, eh?

read n say this out loud in a spooky, sixth-sense-haley-joel-osment voice..

I see crazy people.
Walking around like ordinary people.
They don't care about others.
They only see and believe what they want to believe.
They don't know that that they are frickin' insane...

Blog 51: let's face the harsh reality for a while, okay?

time: 7.00 a.m.

assalamualaikum... aigoo, lama betul x update blog.. knape yek, cin intan? ntahlah, telalu banyak sangat benda2 x best yg berlaku pada aku yg terjadik one after another sampai aku x sempat langsung nak menarik nafas lega. so, tu la pasal aku betul2 xde mood nak update blog... err, konkrit x alasan aku nih? haha....

bulan oct cume 2 entry jek?? ish.. intan ni amat2 mengecewakanlah! ok, put everything aside, aku dah mula bersemangat nak menulis n ade banyak, n i really mean BANYAK gile mende nak tulis so let's start wif the first one.....

this time, aku nak share beberape harsh reality yg aku terpaksa hadapi sejak aku mula x sehat nih.. opps, jgn risau.. cume nak tunjuk beberapa mende yg perhaps orang lain x berapa tau so hopefully dapatla aku nyer entry n pengalaman hidup aku ni dijadikan panduan untuk org lain (ey, shape tah yg nak jadikan panduan hidup? prasan giler minah debab nih!)

okey, err... watie, along pinjam sistem nombor watie jap, bley? saje nak tukar care tulis skali skala.. huhuhu...

1) sejak aku mula sakit, aku punye level of performance memang dah sampai tahap teruk giler baban. tcer intan yg dikenali orang sebagai pembuat soalan, pembuat modul, penceramah bebas (seminar b. inggeris ok! bukan bab2 politik dsb nyeh..) , penceramah x bebas (ni kene gi atas arahan ppd or jpn), guru tuisyen, guru klas tambahan, guru xtra coaching x rasmi (klas yg dibuat suka suki after skool 2 assist my students yang mane berminat in writing n lit) dan penanda kertas sudah tidak mampu lagi menjadi superwoman/wonderwoman (mana lagi seksi yek? hahha) seperti di atas... sampai klas biasa everyday pon aku x larat giler so bayangkanlah macam mane sedehnye aku melihat keadaan 'ketidakupayaan' diriku sendiri pd tahun ni. tu lah sebabnye aku penah cakap bukan nye sronok pon bile orang asyik dok tanye pasal keadaan aku setiap kali diorang jumpe aku pasal somehow, every time org dok tunjuk simpati, pd mase yg same it also somehow mocks my tahap 'ketidakupayaan' diriku sendirik...

2) when u r sick, people will be sympathetic for a while tapi lama2 org akan jadik bosan bile setiap kali orang nampak aku sakit x sembuh2... betul, aku x tipu... aku dpt rasakan level tahap simpati sesetengah org yg mula bertukar jadik menyampah ngan keadaan diri aku bile terdengar respon2 spontan camni... "aiks, sakit lagi?" or "laa.. kali ni brape hari plak cuti?".... obviouskan? tp jgn silap faham, aku faham knape org2 sebegini rase bosan ngan keadaan aku pasal aku rase kalau aku dalam keadaan diorang pon aku akan rase bosan gak at some point. tapi bezanya aku ngan org2 camni yelah aku akan lebih lembut hati n aku akan cuba sehabis boleh untuk cuba mengambil kira perasaan n keadaan orang tersebut sebelum mengeluarkan kata2 yg aku tau x akan membawa apa2 kebaikan selain hanya untuk menyakitkan hati orang yg sakit itu...

3) bile aku mula sakit, masalah timbul bile aku rase sume org rase terbeban ngan keadaan aku. no. 1 in skool rase terbeban nak settle kan masalah aku yg terpaksa masuk 'pool'. no.2 terbeban ngan situasi dimana jadual aku terpaksa dirombak n diubah untuk memudahkan aku (i am really thanful for dat!)... cume beberape orang jek yg aku rase pura2 terbeban (kononnye) tp sebenarnya bukan buat ape2 sangat pon kecuali 'menganyam ketupat' n menjadi pembuat spekulasi x berbayar yg menjadikan aku sebagai scape goat diorang dalam sesetengah keadaan... takpe, aku terima tu sume sebab aku tau aku sendirik pon very2 incompetent tapi buat golongan2 yg pakar dalam buat kecoh, menikam aku dari belakang n menangguk di air keruh di atas keadaan aku sekarang (fuyoo! tcer intan gune peribahasa melayu yg die sendirik x sure maksud die ape.. huhu) hanya Allah sahaja yg akan membalas segala perbuatan korang sebab aku sebagai hambanya yg lemah langsung x de kekuatan n tahap kemaafan yg tinggi untuk memaafkan korang... (ayat bm terabur! kesian cikgu bm aku~)... bak kate omputih yg rude giler ni.. 'burn in hell b******!'... (opps.... astagfirullah!! ish ish ish cik intan....)


to be continued.... (panjang lagi citer ni... sabar....)

~~~coretan tahapehape 7~~~

[SUJUISM.BLOGSPOT.COM] 1009 ss
Uploaded by sujuism02. - Discover more animation and arts videos.

saw diz vid 2day...

i am so in lurve wif diz guy... luv his tenderness, his diversity, his unlimited talent....

what 2 do? i don't think i will ever find anyone like him...

well, i hev 2 accept that i will live alone then.... n, seriously, i don't mind.... :)

p/s: thanx SUJUISM.BLOGSPOT.COM for the sub...

Blog 50: i do believe that some people are born stoopid....

time: 6.00 p.m.

assalamualaikum... lamanye x update blog... ntahlah.. tetibe kurang mood sikit kebelakangan nih pasal banyak sangat 'drama2 swasta' yg jadik depan mate aku... sampai satu peringkat aku rase x tahan sangat2 psl banyak sangat mende yg jadik nih aku x paham puncenye n ape point si hamba Allah terbabit ni bertindak sampai sedemikian rupe...

xpelah.. mari kita same2 ikuti kisah masyarakat yg pelik tapi benar nih...

Kisah Pelik Tapi Benar: Bile aku dah marah....

nak dijadikkan cerite, baru2 ni adelah citer best n kaw2nye jadik kat aku... suatu pagi yg tenang tlh menjadik kacau bilau apabila tetibe jek akunyer kertas est for spm trials tetibe x dijumpai org. yg klakarnye, mase kejadian ni berlaku, aku ade kat staff room n my paper starts at 8.55 am. tetibe, aku terase nk tengok kedudukan kelas yg berubah mase pmr berlangsung (n kebetulan plak serentak ngan spm trials) so dlm pkl 7.50 kot or almost 8.00 am aku pon jln pelan2 gi depan office nk tengok white board kat depan tuh....

bile aku tgh syok2 tengok whiteboard tu tetibe ade one of my colleagues tanye aku, "Intan, paper EST u buat x? bising dah kat dlm paper EST xde." aku pon pelik la psl paper tu aku dah letak elok2 kat tempat sepatutnye ptg smalam lagi, so knape lak bley ilang?

bile aku masok jek office mmg kecoh pon! off staff siap tanye ngan gabra lagi mane kertas EST aku.. aku buat x soalan tuh bla2... aku pon pegi tempat letak soalan tu n tadaa!!!

SOALAN EST AKU MMG ADE KAT ATAS MEJA TU... siap sampul kaler biru lagi.. laen dr yg laen so unless org yg carik tu bute warne or plain stoopid or bute huruf... MUSTAHIL dia x nampak....

aku dengan barannye ckp "Ni hape? tengok x kat sinih? carik kat mane?".. yup aku akui mmg rude giler tapi let me explain knape aku mrh....

1) knape si 'pencari' yg 'bijak bistari' bley x nampak soalan yg terang2 jelas atas meja? unless... mmg dia x tgk kat situ pon on the first place..... (bagosla, anda mmg hebat btol dlm bab2 buat kecoh nih!)

2) kalau ye pon mate tu dah rabon x nampak... knape X CARIK AKU N TANYE or TELEPON AKU N TANYE? knape buat assumption yg aku x buat paper tu? ape? ingat aku ni bangang sangat sampai kerje sepenting tu pon aku buat donno jek ke? pastu siap bley rilek2 jalan hepi2 keliling skolah?

aku punye marah giler sampai terklua dr mulut aku 'kalau dah bangang sangat x tengok betol2, nk nampak macam mane?'.. naseb baek time tu aku sorang2 dlm bilek tu tp pintu bilik bukak, so kalau sape2 terdengar.. hahhaha.. naseblah labu....

pastu si 'pencari' yg 'bijak bistari' ni dah gi kelas so x de sape nak hantar kertas soalan.. dahla satu dunia tau yg skolah aku tu macam gunung kinabalu.. abestu nak suruh aku jalan? nak aku mampos cepat ke? x paham betol aku...

alhamdulillah ade gak kakak2 yg lebih berakal yg tenangkan aku n tlg hantarkan soalan tu kat kelas terbabit.. aku dah urut dada jek mase tu.. sakit giler jantung aku sampai rase nak putus nyawa... kalaulah jadik ape2 kat aku time tu.. mmg aku sumpah aku saman si 'bijak bistari' terbabit atas tuduhan membunuh dengan niat.. ahahahhahahha! nak saman camne ek? aku kan dah mati time tu... har3!

yg bestnye, siap no.2 di skolah pon dah diberitahu yg konon2 aku ni x buat kertas soalan... hahhah.. pelik x? aku yg ade kat skolah time tuh, duduk baek punye kat tempat aku yg betol2 opposite the office n yet x de sape pon yg terpikir nak carik aku n tanye mane kertas EST aku.. knape ek?

oho.... lebih dramatik kot bile buat citer yg aku ni x buat keje.. yelah, sape x kenal aku kan... pekerja paling lembab, x perform, bodoh n yg berlakon seolah2 die sakit sangat padahal 'boley berfacebook ngan anak murid dia..' or 'boley bergelak2 ngan kengkawan die'... so bukan la kronik sangat sakit die psl orng skit ni kene jalan tempang2, seret kaki, batok2 sambil klua darah, pengsan tibe2, ambulan ambik gi spital 7 kali seminggu, naik krusi roda, makan pakai tiub, berak kene tadah bla bla bla ... hahahha... hebat2...

SESUNGGUHYA ANDA AMAT HEBAT WAHAI SI PENCARI YG BIJAK BISTARI....

kan aku dah ckp, seterok2 aku pon, kerja2 yg melibatkan org laen insyaallah akan aku buat jugak walaupon badan aku x larat... aku ulangi lagi.. aku ni manusia CUKUP AKAL dan berperasaan, aku tau banyak orang dah bersusah payah tlg aku so tak kan aku nak buat donno jek x buat trial paper bile mende ni melibatkan masa depan anak2 murid aku? aku akui ade banyak mende yg aku buat x sempurna tapi aku rase kebanyak kan nya melibatkan aku seorang saje secara individu, so if my boss nk amek sebarang tindakan.. it will only affect me because sume ni berlaku due to my incompetency n i accept that... tapi jgn sekali2 tuduh aku something yg aku x buat, just for the sheer pleasure of seeing me suffer under other people's scrutiny becoz that is the worst thing that a human can do, which is mengambil kesempatan di atas kesusahan dan musibah org laen...

ni entry aku dlm wall facebook aku...

knape manusia2 macam ni x diberi DUGAAN yg besar Ya Allah? Mungkin kerana Allah hanya menguji hamba2 yg terpilih kerana Allah lebih menyayangi orang2 yg AKAL nya terletak di kepala, bukannya di tapak kaki...

betul kan?

Blog 49: OH HAPPY DAY!

time: 2.00 p.m.

as u guys know 2-3 hari ni aku x sehatkan.. so angah, ika n yaya datangla umah kat cheras to visit me, atuk n dadima. time diorang dtg aku tengah betol2 sakit, so aku terbaring jek lah atas katil.. angah datang tengok aku kat bilik sambil bawak yaya, aku pon cium die n angah kate

'cian, omma.. omma sakit..'

tetibe dengan jelasnye... klua dari mulut yaya... perkataan ni..

'OMMAAA.....'

pastu die senyum... WARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yaya panggil aku! hahahahhahaha! angah terkezut.. aku lagilah terkujat.. aigoo.. yaya.. hang dah pandai panggil omma yek... bijak2!

tetibe teros aku rase ok sikit skarang.. ahahha... kuasa apakah ini??

Blog 48: wanna see something?

time: 5.00 p.m.

i am sick again (what else is new?)... n this is the second day of me being on the bed with two swelling feet.... aish... so, i think it's time 4 me to share the 'unpleasant' side of my life wif u guys.... some of these pics are no that recent but truthfully i stopped taking pics when i 'checked in' @ my so-called-hotel coz after a while, it started to become a routine to me.. well, here goes...

my so-called hotel room, the place where i 'chill'...

they have 2 do this every single time i 'checked in'... nice...

after a while, this would happen... note my 'sexy' swollen hand...

my bruised wrist, a souvenir from my 'relaxing' holiday....

my 'amazing' swelling feet
(well.. foot... duh! both pics r ur right leg intan!*~smacks own forehead~*)

my 'goody bag'- my week supply of meds... hurray!

sorry for the sarcastic tone but my life really sucks rite now n i really2 need a place to burst! (hey, look at the bright side! at least i managed to restraint myself from cursing!)...sorry my dear blog... i hope this scary-monster intan will not appear again...

Blog 47: sometimes i cry too..

time: 11.30 p.m.

when i first started this blog, i vowed NEVER to let it be an outlet to express my anguish n disappointment of the 'unexpected' things which happened to me... coz truthfully, my life is literally like a ticking time bomb....

hence, i wanted this blog to be my special project.. a perfect memoir for my parents, siblings, nieces, friends n students to remember me if anything 'unexpected' would occur... i wanted this blog to depict me, to portray the real Intan Noorfaiza, a special person who is well known for her jovial nature n strong tenacity to fight every single thing to the very end...

however, today i realized that i am a human, too n ordinary humans like me who is chosen to suffer both mentally n physically need to cry sometimes.... we r allowed to whine, to blame everything, to ask the big question "Why ME?", to feel jealous of other people's lives n to wish or hope that things could somehow turn out differently so that we could laugh n say that all this is actually a big joke...

but there's no point of laughing when the joke is on u, rite?

it has been a long time since i cried like there's no tomorrow (the last time was when i read about the sad blog of a fallen angel which was written beautifully by her parents) n i cried simply because i was tired... i was TIRED of everything, every single thing which is happening to me rite now... TIRED of the fact that i need to be strong, TIRED of trying to do everything according to what the doc suggested but it never seemed to work, TIRED of swelling feet, TIRED of aching joints or huffing n puffing for air , TIRED of trying to be brave n strong all the time, TIRED of consuming all those pills until my sweat smells like drugs n most importantly...

TIRED of hoping that this thing would be over n my heart will start beating strongly again because ironically, deep down inside i know that the easiest, most possible way for all this to be over is when my heart stops beating....

n that's why sometimes i cry....

Blog 46: i think i have a problem....

time: 5.00 p.m.

i know i am not well but somehow kalau nak start keje mesti badan aku jadik macam ni....

macam seolah2 my body nak tunjukkan something....

i will start to vomit non stop, everything yg aku makan will come out sampai aku lembik...

pastu kaki pon bengkak tetibe ....

WHY???

i think i seriously have a problem and ni bukan main2....

ade benda yang buat badan aku lemah and until now aku tak tau ape sebabnye....

is this some sort of mental problem? is my mind sick?

am i getting crazy?

i think i need some serious help...