time: 11.30 p.m.
when i first started this blog, i vowed NEVER to let it be an outlet to express my anguish n disappointment of the 'unexpected' things which happened to me... coz truthfully, my life is literally like a ticking time bomb....
hence, i wanted this blog to be my special project.. a perfect memoir for my parents, siblings, nieces, friends n students to remember me if anything 'unexpected' would occur... i wanted this blog to depict me, to portray the real Intan Noorfaiza, a special person who is well known for her jovial nature n strong tenacity to fight every single thing to the very end...
however, today i realized that i am a human, too n ordinary humans like me who is chosen to suffer both mentally n physically need to cry sometimes.... we r allowed to whine, to blame everything, to ask the big question "Why ME?", to feel jealous of other people's lives n to wish or hope that things could somehow turn out differently so that we could laugh n say that all this is actually a big joke...
but there's no point of laughing when the joke is on u, rite?
it has been a long time since i cried like there's no tomorrow (the last time was when i read about the sad blog of a fallen angel which was written beautifully by her parents) n i cried simply because i was tired... i was TIRED of everything, every single thing which is happening to me rite now... TIRED of the fact that i need to be strong, TIRED of trying to do everything according to what the doc suggested but it never seemed to work, TIRED of swelling feet, TIRED of aching joints or huffing n puffing for air , TIRED of trying to be brave n strong all the time, TIRED of consuming all those pills until my sweat smells like drugs n most importantly...
TIRED of hoping that this thing would be over n my heart will start beating strongly again because ironically, deep down inside i know that the easiest, most possible way for all this to be over is when my heart stops beating....
n that's why sometimes i cry....
hence, i wanted this blog to be my special project.. a perfect memoir for my parents, siblings, nieces, friends n students to remember me if anything 'unexpected' would occur... i wanted this blog to depict me, to portray the real Intan Noorfaiza, a special person who is well known for her jovial nature n strong tenacity to fight every single thing to the very end...
however, today i realized that i am a human, too n ordinary humans like me who is chosen to suffer both mentally n physically need to cry sometimes.... we r allowed to whine, to blame everything, to ask the big question "Why ME?", to feel jealous of other people's lives n to wish or hope that things could somehow turn out differently so that we could laugh n say that all this is actually a big joke...
but there's no point of laughing when the joke is on u, rite?
it has been a long time since i cried like there's no tomorrow (the last time was when i read about the sad blog of a fallen angel which was written beautifully by her parents) n i cried simply because i was tired... i was TIRED of everything, every single thing which is happening to me rite now... TIRED of the fact that i need to be strong, TIRED of trying to do everything according to what the doc suggested but it never seemed to work, TIRED of swelling feet, TIRED of aching joints or huffing n puffing for air , TIRED of trying to be brave n strong all the time, TIRED of consuming all those pills until my sweat smells like drugs n most importantly...
TIRED of hoping that this thing would be over n my heart will start beating strongly again because ironically, deep down inside i know that the easiest, most possible way for all this to be over is when my heart stops beating....
n that's why sometimes i cry....
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