time: 12.00 p.m.
i have never considered myself lucky in any romantic relationship. why? at first i thought maybe that's just my luck... or perhaps the situation was wrong at that time, or the person was not the one or ~yada~yada~yada (1001 more excuses)... until suddenly this interesting conversation took place a few days ago:
me: (looking at minnie's files in my lappy) aish... ni kene layan sensorang ni.. nanti hang tengok hang kutuk lak.. (that's was supposed to be a joke, actually....)
atie: memang pon, x paham knape along suke sangat org macam ni (jawapan diberi ketika mate dah separuh tertutup pasal ngantok)
along: huh? abistu... org macam mane yg patut aku suke?
atie: hmm..... (getting more sleepy..) x taula tapi atie x suke orang cam minnie....
to cut things short, aku x marah pon ngan atie.. coz i think she is just being honest... but it made me think for a while about my past relationships and how they have affected me... a good friend of mine penah kate i'm an obvious case of commitment phobic, coz kalu things dah jadik more serious i would tend to run away or find reasons, no matter how stoopid, to get away from it... my friend said that in the nicest way possible but at that time aku malas nak amek pot sangat...
tetibe, ntah kenape aku mule terpiker sejenak pasal mende ni... putting aside all my stoopid, senseless crushes during my teenage years (yusri KRU.. urghh!intan.. seriously?), aku rase all throughout my life ade 2 relationships yg kalau aku sensible enough at that time to pursue them, they might lead to something or somewhere. so aku piker balik knape at time time i screwed up? after 2 hari berpiker ngan mendalam... finally, i realize something clear and simple...
i have never considered myself lucky in any romantic relationship. why? at first i thought maybe that's just my luck... or perhaps the situation was wrong at that time, or the person was not the one or ~yada~yada~yada (1001 more excuses)... until suddenly this interesting conversation took place a few days ago:
me: (looking at minnie's files in my lappy) aish... ni kene layan sensorang ni.. nanti hang tengok hang kutuk lak.. (that's was supposed to be a joke, actually....)
atie: memang pon, x paham knape along suke sangat org macam ni (jawapan diberi ketika mate dah separuh tertutup pasal ngantok)
along: huh? abistu... org macam mane yg patut aku suke?
atie: hmm..... (getting more sleepy..) x taula tapi atie x suke orang cam minnie....
to cut things short, aku x marah pon ngan atie.. coz i think she is just being honest... but it made me think for a while about my past relationships and how they have affected me... a good friend of mine penah kate i'm an obvious case of commitment phobic, coz kalu things dah jadik more serious i would tend to run away or find reasons, no matter how stoopid, to get away from it... my friend said that in the nicest way possible but at that time aku malas nak amek pot sangat...
tetibe, ntah kenape aku mule terpiker sejenak pasal mende ni... putting aside all my stoopid, senseless crushes during my teenage years (yusri KRU.. urghh!intan.. seriously?), aku rase all throughout my life ade 2 relationships yg kalau aku sensible enough at that time to pursue them, they might lead to something or somewhere. so aku piker balik knape at time time i screwed up? after 2 hari berpiker ngan mendalam... finally, i realize something clear and simple...
I AM THE ULTIMATE SELF SABOTEUR
yep, people... sadly, that's the reason. i screwed up because i want to and it's not unintentionally. i did this in most of my past relationships until i realize i could write a manual about it and here goes:
Idiot's Guide To Know An Ultimate Self Saboteur
1. An ultimate self saboteur is a special human being who looks like a confidant person, usually very articulate and sometimes seems like an insufferable 'know-it-all' but all those qualities are actually a perfect facade to cover his/her own insecurities and self-doubt.
2. The inner mind of the ultimate self saboteur is always full of 'what ifs'... what if this person is just playing around? what if this is only temporary? what if it's actually not meant to be? what if i make a wrong choice? and the worst would be.. what if all of this is only a dream? (yup, pathetic... i know...)
3. The ultimate self saboteur also is a very efficient 'reason seeker' and he/she will find or will even come up with the most ludicrous reasons to find any negative aspects in everything (the person, the situation.. heck! even the weather!) even though there are actually tons and tons of positive aspects that he/she could consider but refuse to see even if a third eye miraculously appeared on his/her forehead.
4. The ultimate self saboteur always aim high and puts his/her expectations way up above to a place where, deep down inside, he/she knows that it is actually, virtually impossible for him/her to achieve them.
5. In the end, the ultimate self saboteur will create a perfect world where only he/she would understand and would have hoped for, opening the front door just enough for other people to peek into the beautiful 'decor' which is created to conceal the inevitable cracks of his/her life.
what's this got 2 do with my conversation about minnie? hmmm.... it made me think whether minnie is actually me getting away from reality by refusing to think if i really have a shot of having a real relationship which again will be tainted with all the what ifs that will come out from my restless mind due to the fact that i would always, always look at the negative aspects first hence the need to find somebody perfectly impossible for me to get (that's minnie!) and in the end, creating a perfect world in my own mind just to make me happy although i know that it is not real just because it covers the fact that i'm already 30 and my heart is failing....
so, atie.... adakah itu menjawab persoalan hang kenape aku suke minnie?
p/s: oh ye.. lupe lak... self saboteur is pensabotaj diri sendiri.. (vocab lesson from tcer intan) hehehe.....
Idiot's Guide To Know An Ultimate Self Saboteur
1. An ultimate self saboteur is a special human being who looks like a confidant person, usually very articulate and sometimes seems like an insufferable 'know-it-all' but all those qualities are actually a perfect facade to cover his/her own insecurities and self-doubt.
2. The inner mind of the ultimate self saboteur is always full of 'what ifs'... what if this person is just playing around? what if this is only temporary? what if it's actually not meant to be? what if i make a wrong choice? and the worst would be.. what if all of this is only a dream? (yup, pathetic... i know...)
3. The ultimate self saboteur also is a very efficient 'reason seeker' and he/she will find or will even come up with the most ludicrous reasons to find any negative aspects in everything (the person, the situation.. heck! even the weather!) even though there are actually tons and tons of positive aspects that he/she could consider but refuse to see even if a third eye miraculously appeared on his/her forehead.
4. The ultimate self saboteur always aim high and puts his/her expectations way up above to a place where, deep down inside, he/she knows that it is actually, virtually impossible for him/her to achieve them.
5. In the end, the ultimate self saboteur will create a perfect world where only he/she would understand and would have hoped for, opening the front door just enough for other people to peek into the beautiful 'decor' which is created to conceal the inevitable cracks of his/her life.
what's this got 2 do with my conversation about minnie? hmmm.... it made me think whether minnie is actually me getting away from reality by refusing to think if i really have a shot of having a real relationship which again will be tainted with all the what ifs that will come out from my restless mind due to the fact that i would always, always look at the negative aspects first hence the need to find somebody perfectly impossible for me to get (that's minnie!) and in the end, creating a perfect world in my own mind just to make me happy although i know that it is not real just because it covers the fact that i'm already 30 and my heart is failing....
so, atie.... adakah itu menjawab persoalan hang kenape aku suke minnie?
p/s: oh ye.. lupe lak... self saboteur is pensabotaj diri sendiri.. (vocab lesson from tcer intan) hehehe.....
1 minnie's kiss(es):
baru nak tanya maksudnya, then ada penerangan di hujung entry. hehe, thank u teacher!
at first, it was just a therapy for me after breaking up, tapi sekarang dh jadi macam satu sumber kegembiraan. something to look forward to. it's just like falling in love, tp this time, i'm not aiming for a wedding. :)
and along, i prefer a 'x berapa manly and cute' men too :)
Post a Comment