Blog 70: makcik noormah @ mama aku pissed off!! fuiyoooo!

ni bukan makcik noormah, hokey?!? mama aku lagi comey n vogue de vass dari ni.. hehehehe... kasik bodek sikit......

minggu ni my health x brape ok... tetiba datang balik sakit2 badan, muntah2, kaki 2-2 belah bengkak.. air x ley klua dr badan.. alah... the normal things, macamla sakit aku ni akan hilang secara majikanye kan? maybe ni sume pasal aku yg again lupa tahap keupayaan diri aku ngan berlebey2 buat kerja2 berat n kesana-sini kehulu-hilir seolah2 jantong aku ni dah 100% cured...

tp nak wat camne? bile aku rase ok sikit tahun ni mmg aku kenala buat lebey sikit kerja, tak kan nak melepek2 tunjuk aku x larat sentiasa pasal aku bukan org yg camtu... kalu sakit giler pun aku cube tahan, especially kalu aku kat skolah, n manusia2 yg amek berat pasal aku akan terperasan yg tetibe jek aku senyap, batok, tercungap2 n berpeluh2 x ingat dunia... itu manusia yg amek berat n kesah pasal aku lah..........

buat manusia2 yg x penah amek kisah, perubahan2 ini yg kadangkala berlaku dengan jelas, walaupon diorang nampak depan mate, tapi boley lagi wat donno n expect aku sentiasa ok, yelah kan.. macam sakit aku ni demam panas or selsema or 'asthma berpanjangan' ~ehem ehem~ yg boleh hilang sekelip mata bila nampak aku ok sikit or aku bergelak ketawa ngan kenkawan n anak murid aku...

so bile kebelakangan ni mama aku nampak aku balik slalu pancit cam arnab duracell abes bateri, makan sume klua balik, batok non stop sampai x leh tido malam, dia pon mule tanye...

"Along, hang kebelakangan ni sebok sangat mama nengok, hang dah dapat balik sume tugas hang kat skolah ke?"

"X lah mama, cume sebok sikit.. budak ade sukan, klas tambahan.. bla bla..."

"Skolah hang tau x yg hang sakit?" ~~ jeng jeng jeng~~ indikator yg mama aku dah mula naek hangin so aku pon wat donno takot die melenting...

beberapa hari selepas itu... (uiks?!? bile lak tetibe jadik cerpen nih??)

mama aku perasan yg muka aku down sikit bile aku bace sms from my no.1 bile aku tetibe inform die yg aku kene g check up kat spital... die tanye so aku cakapla yg my no.1 bising coz aku x tules kat whiteboard n susahkan orang nak wat relief... n that's when my mama burst...

"Knape org susah sangat nak paham yg anak aku SAKIT? Nak kene aku ke datang n SOUND sume org yg ***** tu yg hang ni x larat? Diorang x de mate ke? X nampak ke macam mane keadaan hang kat skolah? Bile hang asyik dok kate boleh jek jadik serta merta hang dah x sakit la? Dah hilang sakit jantong hang tu? Dah boleh gerak cam orang lain? Dah boleh tido cam orang laen? Haaa???!!"

time ni mama aku dah marah kaw kaw... aku teros terdiam kejap x tau nak respon ape... sedey pon ade coz aku tau mama aku pon sentiasa risau n sedey bile aku balik n terus collapse pasal penat sampai lupe nak makan... bangge pon ye pasal sampai aku dah 31 tahon ni pon die tetap nampak aku macam anak kecik dia yg perlu dia lindung sentiasa... klakar pon ade gak sikit2 coz care dia marah tu macam aku ni budak skolah, bukannye chegu skolah... haahhha.... aish.. mama ku ini....

xpelah mama, ape yg orang lain nampak or rase tu sume x penting.. selagi along tau mama sentiasa ada di belakang along, selagi tu along akan sentiasa kuat untuk melawan menda nih... jgn risau, org2 yg xde perasaan tu akan rasa jugak ape yg mama rasa satu hari nanti pasal Allah tu adil... mase diorang tengah senang skarang memanglah org laen sume x betol, langsung xde hati dan perasaan pd org laen.. takpe.. nanti bile diorang memerlukan simpati n budi bicara org laen, barulah diorang tau yg langit ni tinggi ke rendah...

mama jangan marah2, ok? along sedeylah nengok mama marah........... 

Blog 69: fighting a losing battle....

i used to be so bad... so vile... so horrible... so selfish... so ignorant... so stupid... 

i loved issues... i waited for conflicts... i couldn't wait to give my ten cent worth on anything, even though i knew the things i say or do will not change anything and sometimes they even made things worse... 

i always looked at people's negative aspects, finding faults on small trivial things... complaining and whining on petty, useless things... purposely looking away at any good things which were like huge, pink-coloured elephants standing right in front of me...

i was being a normal human being, so rotten and worms were actually coming out from the invisible wound i created inside me... 

i was so blind... so ignorant to the fact that i was wasting my time with all the negativity because truthfully, i thought i was immortal.. i had all the time in the world... yep, that's it.. i thought i had all the time in the world.... i was too proud... most importantly, i was  too blind.... 

time is a funny thing... humans do evil things on purpose while thinking selfishly that they will have time to repent later on... we postponed a lot of things because somehow we are so confident that we will have time to do all those thing later... we procrastinate without any feeling of guilt as if we have the power to control time... and sadly, i was one of these stupid, ignorant people.... 

when you have to fight so hard in a battle that you know, for a fact that the chances of you winning is actually zero.. it puts life and the concept of time into a whole new different perspective. 

when you have to rely on heavy dose of medications day in day out just to make your heart stronger but at the same time the same pills will ruin your kidneys, slowly... it does make you think sometimes on the real reason  why you have to fight this illness on the first place... 

because this time, i am actually fighting a losing battle... i am fighting for something important and sacrificing another important thing at the same time...  my 'war' doesn't have any winners or losers and it doesn't matter how many people are cheering for me because the truth is i am crumbling, one small piece at a time...

so, when father time smacks me and tell me that my time is not that long as i thought it would be, that i need to fight, perhaps on my last battle, i realize that i am actually fighting not because i want to WIN...  it's because i want to LIVE...

and believe me,,, when you face something like this, there's nothing more important than grabbing the limited time you have left because there are so many wonderful things to do, so many beautiful things to see, so many wonderful people to love, so many new stuff to try....

and that's the sole reason why i am fighting this... not because i want to WIN, it's because i really, really want to LIVE...... longer........ please...........................

Blog 68: It's My Birthday!

Hey.. it's my birthday! We're gonna party like it's my birthday!! hey hey!

<-------  alolor... tq 4 de wish n cake Minnie.. me wuv u too. heheh...

Yup peeps.. I'm finally thirty one.. OMG!!  ahahahha.. time to count wrinkles on my face and butt cheeks.. :)

Alhamdulillah.... x sangke aku diberi peluang untuk sambut my birthday happily n with much better health than b4... syukur padaMU ya Allah...

Since dah la ma x buat wish.. well... here are some of my b'day wishes.. huhuhu...
a) I wanna be a better person, inside out.. a better daughter to my parents, a better sis to my siblings, a better Omma to my kids,  a better teacher to my students, a better Muslim (insya Allah!), a better wifey to Minnie.. (hahhahhahah!), a better worker, a better friend and so on and so forth...

b) I'll try my very best to be healthy and happy so that my loved ones around me x kan rase risau lagi...

c) I will try my very best to finish up my dissertation....

d) I wanna be more mature.... and learn to balance my checkbook n expenses!!! arghhh!!!

e) I will remind myself again n again that I am special, n a lot of people love me so I need to put my best foot forward in every single thing I do...

Oklah... banyak2 sangat wish kang tak tercapai la pulak... hehhehe..... yg penting....

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY

AND

IT'S GONNA BE 

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!   

Blog 67: i agree... it is easier to pretend...

assalamualaikum!

hmmm... kalu korang prasan, my blog entries this year are more positive n i intend to keep it that way! why?  well, i learn that a positive intansidek means a healthier and happier me! heheheh... tapi ade gak mende2 yg kenkadang wat aku sedey sket.. (sedey jek tau, bukannye emo cam dulu.. heheh).. contohnya macam mende yg berlaku 2 hari lepas....

last saturday aku ade ldp kat skool... alah, latihan dlm perkhidmatan thingie n mase my no. 1 was saying something about cuti sakit n mc n other things tetibe she blurted out something like this "blablabla.... cikgu intan lainla sebab dia ade asthma blablabla...." n my friend was like "asthma? beb, did she realize that u have a heart condition?" ... (sorry for the blablabla thing... i seriously x konsentret.. heheh) ...

don't get me wrong, aku x marah pon.. x de sekelumit pon rase nak jerit from bangunan 12 tingkat pasal tensen melampau.. i'm way over past that phase.. cume aku agak TERKILAN (aha.. siap highlight lagik..) coz even my superior choose to overlook my condition, using asthma as something that would somehow make my condition less serious that it's supposed to..

i tried really hard to look at this positively, maybe she doesn't want to highlight my illness to others but truthfully, mende ni slalu buat aku 'terperangkap' dengan other people's perception towards my illness.. bukannye sorang due yg tanye aku "intan, camne asthma? ok dah?" plus "jangan minum air sejok, dudok bawah kipas coz u kan asthma".. yep, i do appreciate other people's concern towards me but again aku nak highlight...

~ org sakit asthma x perlu diletak under cardio unit kat hosp coz cardio means heart (from the Greek word kardia)

~ people with asthma xde condition yg jantongnye bengkak n the constant worry about my ejection fraction yg amat2 lemah (kadar kekuatan pam darah yg masuk dlm ur left and right ventricle in every heart beat)

~org yg HANYA ada asthma x kan rase very2 diff to breathe in A LOT of other condition like naik turun tangga, menjerit terlalu kuat in class, bergegas kesana-sini atau ape2 mnedalah yg boley buat ur heartbeat berdegup kuat dr normal....

I NEED TO CONTROL MY HEARTBEATS IN EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I DO 

BECAUSE 

MY HEART MUSCLE IS VERY WEAK 

AND 

MY LEFT VENTRICLE IS FAILING... SLOWLY... 

PLUS

THE PIERCING PAIN THAT I FELT 

LIKE 

A NEEDLE BEING JABBED RIGHT THROUGH MY HEART

AND 

THE CONSTANT FEELING OF DISCOMFORT WHEN I BREATHE 

so... cubalah try hidup memikirkan tu sume SETIAP HARI n cubala faham kenapa aku hilang arah tahun lepas....

cubalah at least menutup sebelah mata di atas perlakuan2 yg x dapat di terima akal yg  aku buat tahun lepas n anggap itu sume reaksi2 bodoh yg dibuat oleh sorang manusia normal yg tetibe mengetahui yg hayatnya x sepanjang yg dia sangka...

cubalah menerima yg aku cuba sehabis baik untuk melawan mende ni coz that's what i could do when i have my family's support yg x putus2 mahu aku kuat inside n out to fight this to the very end...

cubalah lebih membantu dengan at least bertanya dengan lebih lanjut mengenai keadaan sebenar aku, bukannya membuat spekulasi sendirik berdasarkan ape yg dilihat dan didengar sahaja...

but then again.... i have to agree.... it is EASIER to pretend that all this never happen.... kan?

Blog 66: i'm back, peeps!

assalamualaikum!

uish... lamenye diriku ini x update blog sampai rase macam x caye! ni betol2 busy giler! tp mmg betol pon... i am extremely2 busy coz banyak sangat mende2 yg aku kene buat, redo or start balik due to health prob last year.. lagipon aku raser dah cukup banyak aku menyusahkan org, so aku nak push myself to do much more than last year, tp berpada2 lah so that my body x collapse due to extreme stress n exhaustion.

kalu korang prasan, aku dah x letak time bile aku start tulis blog aku.. hehehhe.. knape agaknye? ntahlah.. cume aku x se'fobia' dulu ngan mase kot? dulu aku betol2 rase mase aku dah sampai ke penghujung, so mmg aku rase setiap saat tu macam my death alarm. terok kan? akibatnye hatiku x tenang, badan aku x respond well n aku jadik makin sakit.. so bile aku buat my journey of self discovery tu, i asked myself y did i put that extra stress on myself? x cukup ke ngan beberapa org2 sekeliling yg cukup2 buat aku stress atas sebab2 yg diorang jek yg tau knape.. n diz people fall under the pathetic re'turd's category in my book so knape aku pon buat mende yg same? so, kesimpulannye aku stop reminding myself about the time i have left n instead i focus more on what i can do with that limited time i have. aku rase ni lagi produktif, betol tak?

aku ade banyak mende yg pending dalam blog nih... my journey of self discovery part 2 belom lagi bersambong.. my darling auliya's birthday bash pon belom lagi aku sempat upload gamba.. sorry yek! betol2 x de mase.. kalu week days tu mmg aku sibok giler.. weekend plak asyik2 ade jek mende nak buat.. ade jek tempat nak pegi... puhnat~~ huuuu~~

oh ye, satu lagi.. kenkadang aku bace ade gak org misteri yg bace blog ni but letak name as anonymous.. aku x la kesah sangat tp it would be better if korang letakla at least name pengenalan yg aku tau xde la aku tertanye2 sape yg bagi komen... my frens ke? my students ke? or simply just anyone yg stumble upon my blog... bukan nye ape, it's nice to know that my blog means something to someone.. lagipon, x salah kan tambah kawan baru.. hahahha!

oklah.. aku stop sini jap.. nak nengok my other blogs... hahaha.... including diz aku ade 4 other blogs yg aku nak kene update.. hebat tak? (penyakit prasan yg kronik x hilang2 lagi... aish!!!) hehheh... ok, Minnie! pujuk sume org yg kachiwa ngan kealpaan aku mengupdate blog ngan ke'chomel'an dirimu yg melampau itu!! ahhaahahhaa! ;P

sorila korang... noona intan mmg sebok betol... kesian nengok die banyak mende nak buat... jgn la marah die.. nanti die stress... kalu die stress sape yg soosah hati.. SAYA jugak... ~~~(ahahahaha!)