Blog 67: i agree... it is easier to pretend...

assalamualaikum!

hmmm... kalu korang prasan, my blog entries this year are more positive n i intend to keep it that way! why?  well, i learn that a positive intansidek means a healthier and happier me! heheheh... tapi ade gak mende2 yg kenkadang wat aku sedey sket.. (sedey jek tau, bukannye emo cam dulu.. heheh).. contohnya macam mende yg berlaku 2 hari lepas....

last saturday aku ade ldp kat skool... alah, latihan dlm perkhidmatan thingie n mase my no. 1 was saying something about cuti sakit n mc n other things tetibe she blurted out something like this "blablabla.... cikgu intan lainla sebab dia ade asthma blablabla...." n my friend was like "asthma? beb, did she realize that u have a heart condition?" ... (sorry for the blablabla thing... i seriously x konsentret.. heheh) ...

don't get me wrong, aku x marah pon.. x de sekelumit pon rase nak jerit from bangunan 12 tingkat pasal tensen melampau.. i'm way over past that phase.. cume aku agak TERKILAN (aha.. siap highlight lagik..) coz even my superior choose to overlook my condition, using asthma as something that would somehow make my condition less serious that it's supposed to..

i tried really hard to look at this positively, maybe she doesn't want to highlight my illness to others but truthfully, mende ni slalu buat aku 'terperangkap' dengan other people's perception towards my illness.. bukannye sorang due yg tanye aku "intan, camne asthma? ok dah?" plus "jangan minum air sejok, dudok bawah kipas coz u kan asthma".. yep, i do appreciate other people's concern towards me but again aku nak highlight...

~ org sakit asthma x perlu diletak under cardio unit kat hosp coz cardio means heart (from the Greek word kardia)

~ people with asthma xde condition yg jantongnye bengkak n the constant worry about my ejection fraction yg amat2 lemah (kadar kekuatan pam darah yg masuk dlm ur left and right ventricle in every heart beat)

~org yg HANYA ada asthma x kan rase very2 diff to breathe in A LOT of other condition like naik turun tangga, menjerit terlalu kuat in class, bergegas kesana-sini atau ape2 mnedalah yg boley buat ur heartbeat berdegup kuat dr normal....

I NEED TO CONTROL MY HEARTBEATS IN EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I DO 

BECAUSE 

MY HEART MUSCLE IS VERY WEAK 

AND 

MY LEFT VENTRICLE IS FAILING... SLOWLY... 

PLUS

THE PIERCING PAIN THAT I FELT 

LIKE 

A NEEDLE BEING JABBED RIGHT THROUGH MY HEART

AND 

THE CONSTANT FEELING OF DISCOMFORT WHEN I BREATHE 

so... cubalah try hidup memikirkan tu sume SETIAP HARI n cubala faham kenapa aku hilang arah tahun lepas....

cubalah at least menutup sebelah mata di atas perlakuan2 yg x dapat di terima akal yg  aku buat tahun lepas n anggap itu sume reaksi2 bodoh yg dibuat oleh sorang manusia normal yg tetibe mengetahui yg hayatnya x sepanjang yg dia sangka...

cubalah menerima yg aku cuba sehabis baik untuk melawan mende ni coz that's what i could do when i have my family's support yg x putus2 mahu aku kuat inside n out to fight this to the very end...

cubalah lebih membantu dengan at least bertanya dengan lebih lanjut mengenai keadaan sebenar aku, bukannya membuat spekulasi sendirik berdasarkan ape yg dilihat dan didengar sahaja...

but then again.... i have to agree.... it is EASIER to pretend that all this never happen.... kan?