Blog 69: fighting a losing battle....

i used to be so bad... so vile... so horrible... so selfish... so ignorant... so stupid... 

i loved issues... i waited for conflicts... i couldn't wait to give my ten cent worth on anything, even though i knew the things i say or do will not change anything and sometimes they even made things worse... 

i always looked at people's negative aspects, finding faults on small trivial things... complaining and whining on petty, useless things... purposely looking away at any good things which were like huge, pink-coloured elephants standing right in front of me...

i was being a normal human being, so rotten and worms were actually coming out from the invisible wound i created inside me... 

i was so blind... so ignorant to the fact that i was wasting my time with all the negativity because truthfully, i thought i was immortal.. i had all the time in the world... yep, that's it.. i thought i had all the time in the world.... i was too proud... most importantly, i was  too blind.... 

time is a funny thing... humans do evil things on purpose while thinking selfishly that they will have time to repent later on... we postponed a lot of things because somehow we are so confident that we will have time to do all those thing later... we procrastinate without any feeling of guilt as if we have the power to control time... and sadly, i was one of these stupid, ignorant people.... 

when you have to fight so hard in a battle that you know, for a fact that the chances of you winning is actually zero.. it puts life and the concept of time into a whole new different perspective. 

when you have to rely on heavy dose of medications day in day out just to make your heart stronger but at the same time the same pills will ruin your kidneys, slowly... it does make you think sometimes on the real reason  why you have to fight this illness on the first place... 

because this time, i am actually fighting a losing battle... i am fighting for something important and sacrificing another important thing at the same time...  my 'war' doesn't have any winners or losers and it doesn't matter how many people are cheering for me because the truth is i am crumbling, one small piece at a time...

so, when father time smacks me and tell me that my time is not that long as i thought it would be, that i need to fight, perhaps on my last battle, i realize that i am actually fighting not because i want to WIN...  it's because i want to LIVE...

and believe me,,, when you face something like this, there's nothing more important than grabbing the limited time you have left because there are so many wonderful things to do, so many beautiful things to see, so many wonderful people to love, so many new stuff to try....

and that's the sole reason why i am fighting this... not because i want to WIN, it's because i really, really want to LIVE...... longer........ please...........................