Blog 45: meet the ultimate self saboteur... part 2

time: 2.00 a.m.

yana : why minnie?

me: huh? (scratching my head while thinking... oh no! not this 'kitorang-tak-paham-knape-along-suke-mamat-
yg-looked-so-girlishly-cute' talk!!)

yana: why minnie? i've finished reading ur previous blog and i understand what u wrote but only the part where u
self-proclaimed that ur indeed a self saboteur.. but, there's one thing i don't understand... u could choose
anyone or any famous people as ur so called 'unattainable' aim but why minnie? that alone is a mystery to
me....

aigoo... my sisters could be so ******* annoying at times! hahahha.... tapi again they hev a point... aku pon x sure why it has to be him... i've told u guys before this yg i do like his eyes n somehow he projects the image of calm and serenity but again, like what yana said... why him? why not some guy who projects a better image of being manly? hmm... while i was deep in thoughts yana gave her opinion...

yana: along, i think your job has something to do with this. you have been among children n growing kids for too
long until subconsciously u start to feel that grown up guys who looks n acts like a cute kid is so adorable...

me: what? what do u mean?

yana: it's so obvious that uda, atie n me think it's so weird for u to fall for this type of guys.. it's so unlike u...
sume orang boley nampak that clearly...

me: seriously? hmm.... (starts to think deeply again...)

tetibe i felt so confused... but truthfully, my mind was already confused when yana asked 'why minnie?' earlier. buat pertama kali, i couldn't give her a straight answer that would satisfy her curiosity and most importantly, an honest reply that could untangle my own state of confusion.

i do admit that i prefer him better when he is like this


rather than like this


and a picture of him smiling happily like a small kid is so very adorable


and i really hate it when he is in his emo mode




so, yana has a point, right? or is it possible just to like someone without any solid tangible reason? do i like him becoz i am surrounded by cute kids all day? really? is that it?... uish... my mind is so confused right now so i really really need to reboot....

Blog 44: meet the ultimate self saboteur... part 1

time: 12.00 p.m.

i have never considered myself lucky in any romantic relationship. why? at first i thought maybe that's just my luck... or perhaps the situation was wrong at that time, or the person was not the one or ~yada~yada~yada (1001 more excuses)... until suddenly this interesting conversation took place a few days ago:

me: (looking at minnie's files in my lappy) aish... ni kene layan sensorang ni.. nanti hang tengok hang kutuk lak.. (that's was supposed to be a joke, actually....)

atie: memang pon, x paham knape along suke sangat org macam ni (jawapan diberi ketika mate dah separuh tertutup pasal ngantok)

along: huh? abistu... org macam mane yg patut aku suke?

atie: hmm..... (getting more sleepy..) x taula tapi atie x suke orang cam minnie....

to cut things short, aku x marah pon ngan atie.. coz i think she is just being honest... but it made me think for a while about my past relationships and how they have affected me... a good friend of mine penah kate i'm an obvious case of commitment phobic, coz kalu things dah jadik more serious i would tend to run away or find reasons, no matter how stoopid, to get away from it... my friend said that in the nicest way possible but at that time aku malas nak amek pot sangat...

tetibe, ntah kenape aku mule terpiker sejenak pasal mende ni... putting aside all my stoopid, senseless crushes during my teenage years (yusri KRU.. urghh!intan.. seriously?), aku rase all throughout my life ade 2 relationships yg kalau aku sensible enough at that time to pursue them, they might lead to something or somewhere. so aku piker balik knape at time time i screwed up? after 2 hari berpiker ngan mendalam... finally, i realize something clear and simple...

I AM THE ULTIMATE SELF SABOTEUR

yep, people... sadly, that's the reason. i screwed up because i want to and it's not unintentionally. i did this in most of my past relationships until i realize i could write a manual about it and here goes:

Idiot's Guide To Know An Ultimate Self Saboteur

1. An ultimate self saboteur is a special human being who looks like a confidant person, usually very articulate and sometimes seems like an insufferable 'know-it-all' but all those qualities are actually a perfect facade to cover his/her own insecurities and self-doubt.

2. The inner mind of the ultimate self saboteur is always full of 'what ifs'... what if this person is just playing around? what if this is only temporary? what if it's actually not meant to be? what if i make a wrong choice? and the worst would be.. what if all of this is only a dream? (yup, pathetic... i know...)

3. The ultimate self saboteur also is a very efficient 'reason seeker' and he/she will find or will even come up with the most ludicrous reasons to find any negative aspects in everything (the person, the situation.. heck! even the weather!) even though there are actually tons and tons of positive aspects that he/she could consider but refuse to see even if a third eye miraculously appeared on his/her forehead.

4. The ultimate self saboteur always aim high and puts his/her expectations way up above to a place where, deep down inside, he/she knows that it is actually, virtually impossible for him/her to achieve them.

5. In the end, the ultimate self saboteur will create a perfect world where only he/she would understand and would have hoped for, opening the front door just enough for other people to peek into the beautiful 'decor' which is created to conceal the inevitable cracks of his/her life.

what's this got 2 do with my conversation about minnie? hmmm.... it made me think whether minnie is actually me getting away from reality by refusing to think if i really have a shot of having a real relationship which again will be tainted with all the what ifs that will come out from my restless mind due to the fact that i would always, always look at the negative aspects first hence the need to find somebody perfectly impossible for me to get (that's minnie!) and in the end, creating a perfect world in my own mind just to make me happy although i know that it is not real just because it covers the fact that i'm already 30 and my heart is failing....

so, atie.... adakah itu menjawab persoalan hang kenape aku suke minnie?

p/s: oh ye.. lupe lak... self saboteur is pensabotaj diri sendiri.. (vocab lesson from tcer intan) hehehe.....

Blog 43: Alhamdulillah... sesungguhnya raya ini amat tenang bagi diriku...

time: 3.00 p.m.

truthfully, in my condition sekarang ni, aku x sangke yang raya ni would be one of the most peaceful raya in my life. selalunya, for the past 29 years of my life, my eve and first day of raye selalunye would be something like this:

• mama n atie bersengkang mate x tido mlm siapkan baju raye sume orang....
• abah n the boys kemas umah n pasang lampu lip lap or pelita...
  
• me n uda n yana would be preparing the food and stuff, masak kuah kacang, rendang, lontong, sambal goreng etc etc... sampailah pukul 3-4 pagi...
• pastu kitorang tido kejap n makan raya plus bermaaf-maafan dlm keadaan penat+mate merah+keletihan+makcik noormah bad mood (hehehhe) psl penat...
  
• pastu abah ajak nak beraya pon x larat coz x cukup tido, kalu pegi pon muke macam nak makan orang

so this year aku tetiba rase x nak melalui lagi saat2 macam tu, so aku bukak balik my wardrobe n carik baju2 yg aku jarang2 pakai pasal aku malas gosok ke or kain peronyok ke n i told mama x yah buat baju raye aku tahun ni. my sis sume beli baju sendirik so atie n mama x payah susah payah jahit 4 everyone (only yana coz she is so ketot there is no size 4 her... har har har).

kuih pon ala kadar jek tahun ni.. aku dapat from school sikit n uda beli kat jln TAR sikit. masak plak dirancang dengan teliti... rendang x yah coz angah ngan ika akan buat pastu tetibe lak kalaida bagi sikit lagi (alhamdullilah... rezeki...) so uda n yana wat sikit lontong n rendang ayam just 4 variety. mama plak buat her famous kuah kacang coz she doesn't hev to sew this year so sume berjalan dengan lancar n teratur... aku plak coz x leh wat keje berat2 sangat only tolong buaikan nuha n lipat baju jek... kemas umah plak abah dah buat awal 2-3 hari ngan acen n epol. pastu on the eve of raya acen n epon pasang lampu lip lap n likur... hahah.. selesai sume...

so on the morning of raya, everyone had a good nite sleep, woke up refreshed, sembahyang raye, bermaaf-maafan then makan time. pastu kitorang gi umah maksu n beraya ngan nani... yay! seronok betol! kejap lagi dlm pkl 4 or 5 kitorang dah booking studio nak amek family pics coz tahon ni special psl ade yaya ngan nuha... best kan?

tula sebabnye aku cakap amat2 peaceful... x stress langsung... seronok rupenye bile kite x terlalu bebankan minda kite ngan trivial things yg sebenarnya menutup erti raya yang sebenar.. so, aku harap kalu aku diberi kesempatan untuk beraya lagi next year it will be as peaceful n happy as this year's raya... betul la org tua2 kate... raya biarlah berpada2.. the key to blissfulness is moderation pasal sekarang aku dah nampak, itulah kebahagiaan yg sebenarnya...