time: 3.30 p.m.
something 'big' happened recently n from my personal point of view, it became a solid testament on how deep a mother's love can be... aku tak nak cakap pasal ape but what i saw dengan jelas ialah bagaimana seorang ibu sanggup membuat dan menempuh ape saje demi anak2nye coz a mother's unconditional love is to accept a person's flaws n weakness tanpa sebarang rase ragu2...
bile aku kaitkan mende ni dengan kehidupan, suddenly aku realized yg sebenarnya hidup kita ni dah ditentukan oleh Allah s.w.t... take my life for example, mase my friends n cousins yg sebaya sume dah mula start kawen or start a family, aku langsung x rase ape2 sebab at that time, my mind was filled with my burning ambition to do my best academically. don't take me wrong, bukan aku kate kawen tu x baik, cuma aku kenal diri aku sendiri n aku tau tahap mana yg aku boleh capai so kalau aku just follow the bandwagon and got married ngan sesape tah 4-5 tahon lepas, mungkin sekarang ni aku rase bosan n 'terbeban' ngan hidup aku and my life would be meaningless... so, i pursued my dreams n ambition to be the best in what i do n i was happy wif my supportive family n my lovely students.
bile aku dah in my late 20's aku akui ade terdetik sedikit yg aku rase hidup aku 'kosong', aku rase sunyi, sebab after all my achievements i suddenly realized that i have no one special to share them with. ditambah pulak dengan the fact that my younger siblings dah start being serious in their relationships, with angah getting married n uda's engagement (ditambah pulak ngan suare2 sumbang sedare mare yg suke sangat melaser2 especially time2 kenduri)... tetibe aku tertanya2, did i make a wrong move by following my dreams n aspirations instead of bowing to other people's expectation? well, in the end, macam yg aku cakap, hanya aku yg kenal sape INTAN NOORFAIZA so bile aku piker2 balik, nope~... i don't think ape yg aku pilih to do at that time was a mistake...
bile dah nak masuk era the big '30', again i felt something... kali ni bile my best friends dah start ade their first child... looking at their cute babies makes me long to have one also... however, dark time comes unexpectedly... aku mula di'diagnose' with my illness n the fact dat the doc told me straight to my face yg my heart is getting weaker day by day thus making pregnancy out of the question nearly drove me insane... again aku tertanya2 sama ada aku dah buat silap by being 'greedy' with what i want- masters, p.h.d, naik pangkat, more money etc (materialistic things).... i also thought maybe Allah is trying to punish me but again a miracle happen, opps~ two miracles happen in the name of auliya n nuha. when i saw how uda n ika struggled all throughout pregnancy, berjaga x cukup tido mase pantang, dealing wif bengkak susu (omg!!) ... i realized something..... ya Allah... i am not cut out to do all these! yup, i hev to admit (dengan berat hatinye) ....... ~~ i am not a 'mother' material~~~.......
bile aku tengok uda balik keje hari2 dengan penat dan stressnye tapi terus angkat nuha, bagi susu, mandikan n tukar lampin, buaikan pastu piker ape nak masak coz babah nuha nak balik, aku terus terpiker... i can't do all these......
bile aku nengok ika sebok pilih2 barang niaga sambil bawak auliya or lari balik rumah kejap pasal yaya buat perangai walaupon mase tu customer punyelah banyak gile or hari hujan lebat sampai khemah niaga pon bley terbang, aku terpiker lagik... i can't do all these......
bile aku tengok mama jaga aku siang malam mase aku sakit, risau sampai x tido malam bile aku batuk x berhenti, urut belakang aku pelan2 bile sakit aku dah tak tertahan, uruskan makan minum n pakaian aku everyday, aku dah mula tertanya2... honestly, boleh tak aku buat sume ni???
so, kenape dengan tamaknye aku boley rase hidop aku kosong psl aku x de anak if i know i am not able to do all these things? sape aku to question Allah n say Allah wants to punish me padahal yg ternyata aku sebenarnya x mampu nak jadik ibu yg baik... bile aku sakit ni pon aku masih lagi perlukan mama ngan abah untuk jaga aku, so macam mane aku nak jage seorang manusia lain yg cukup sifat? kan aku dah cakap, cuma aku yg kenal sape INTAN NOORFAIZA n i know for a fact yg aku x mampu buat sume mende tu ngan sempurna...
kesimpulanya, aku rase sume mende yg jadik kat hidop kite ni ade hikmahnye... bile aku rase sunyi, aku ade auliya n nuha to keep me company n make me happy, so ape yg perlu aku komplenkan? aku ade mama, abah ngan adik2 yg tetap sayangkan aku dan akan menjaga aku mase aku sakit, ade kerja yg baik, dpat tlg my students to reach their full potential, ada kebebasan nak baca komik, melayan citer korea n minat minnie sepenuh hati (huhuhu) so knape aku kene rase dunia ni x adil?
pade sesape yg x sudah2 nk melaser org mase kenduri tu, cukup2lah... bukan org x tau yg ko berperangai macam tu pasal ko sendirik ade banyak mende memalukan yg ko takot org tanye, tu sebab ko suke 'tembak' org lain dulu... haiz..... sudah2lah... cube ko nengok balik hidup ko sendirik dulu, kalau dah cukup sempurna dan x de cacat cela langsung barulah melayak kan ko me'laser' org laen... kalu x, bersyukurlah dgn ape yg ko ade... untuk org2 macam ni aku ade satu perkataan jek untuk korang.... KESIAN~~...... huhuhu.....
something 'big' happened recently n from my personal point of view, it became a solid testament on how deep a mother's love can be... aku tak nak cakap pasal ape but what i saw dengan jelas ialah bagaimana seorang ibu sanggup membuat dan menempuh ape saje demi anak2nye coz a mother's unconditional love is to accept a person's flaws n weakness tanpa sebarang rase ragu2...
bile aku kaitkan mende ni dengan kehidupan, suddenly aku realized yg sebenarnya hidup kita ni dah ditentukan oleh Allah s.w.t... take my life for example, mase my friends n cousins yg sebaya sume dah mula start kawen or start a family, aku langsung x rase ape2 sebab at that time, my mind was filled with my burning ambition to do my best academically. don't take me wrong, bukan aku kate kawen tu x baik, cuma aku kenal diri aku sendiri n aku tau tahap mana yg aku boleh capai so kalau aku just follow the bandwagon and got married ngan sesape tah 4-5 tahon lepas, mungkin sekarang ni aku rase bosan n 'terbeban' ngan hidup aku and my life would be meaningless... so, i pursued my dreams n ambition to be the best in what i do n i was happy wif my supportive family n my lovely students.
bile aku dah in my late 20's aku akui ade terdetik sedikit yg aku rase hidup aku 'kosong', aku rase sunyi, sebab after all my achievements i suddenly realized that i have no one special to share them with. ditambah pulak dengan the fact that my younger siblings dah start being serious in their relationships, with angah getting married n uda's engagement (ditambah pulak ngan suare2 sumbang sedare mare yg suke sangat melaser2 especially time2 kenduri)... tetibe aku tertanya2, did i make a wrong move by following my dreams n aspirations instead of bowing to other people's expectation? well, in the end, macam yg aku cakap, hanya aku yg kenal sape INTAN NOORFAIZA so bile aku piker2 balik, nope~... i don't think ape yg aku pilih to do at that time was a mistake...
bile dah nak masuk era the big '30', again i felt something... kali ni bile my best friends dah start ade their first child... looking at their cute babies makes me long to have one also... however, dark time comes unexpectedly... aku mula di'diagnose' with my illness n the fact dat the doc told me straight to my face yg my heart is getting weaker day by day thus making pregnancy out of the question nearly drove me insane... again aku tertanya2 sama ada aku dah buat silap by being 'greedy' with what i want- masters, p.h.d, naik pangkat, more money etc (materialistic things).... i also thought maybe Allah is trying to punish me but again a miracle happen, opps~ two miracles happen in the name of auliya n nuha. when i saw how uda n ika struggled all throughout pregnancy, berjaga x cukup tido mase pantang, dealing wif bengkak susu (omg!!) ... i realized something..... ya Allah... i am not cut out to do all these! yup, i hev to admit (dengan berat hatinye) ....... ~~ i am not a 'mother' material~~~.......
bile aku tengok uda balik keje hari2 dengan penat dan stressnye tapi terus angkat nuha, bagi susu, mandikan n tukar lampin, buaikan pastu piker ape nak masak coz babah nuha nak balik, aku terus terpiker... i can't do all these......
bile aku nengok ika sebok pilih2 barang niaga sambil bawak auliya or lari balik rumah kejap pasal yaya buat perangai walaupon mase tu customer punyelah banyak gile or hari hujan lebat sampai khemah niaga pon bley terbang, aku terpiker lagik... i can't do all these......
bile aku tengok mama jaga aku siang malam mase aku sakit, risau sampai x tido malam bile aku batuk x berhenti, urut belakang aku pelan2 bile sakit aku dah tak tertahan, uruskan makan minum n pakaian aku everyday, aku dah mula tertanya2... honestly, boleh tak aku buat sume ni???
so, kenape dengan tamaknye aku boley rase hidop aku kosong psl aku x de anak if i know i am not able to do all these things? sape aku to question Allah n say Allah wants to punish me padahal yg ternyata aku sebenarnya x mampu nak jadik ibu yg baik... bile aku sakit ni pon aku masih lagi perlukan mama ngan abah untuk jaga aku, so macam mane aku nak jage seorang manusia lain yg cukup sifat? kan aku dah cakap, cuma aku yg kenal sape INTAN NOORFAIZA n i know for a fact yg aku x mampu buat sume mende tu ngan sempurna...
kesimpulanya, aku rase sume mende yg jadik kat hidop kite ni ade hikmahnye... bile aku rase sunyi, aku ade auliya n nuha to keep me company n make me happy, so ape yg perlu aku komplenkan? aku ade mama, abah ngan adik2 yg tetap sayangkan aku dan akan menjaga aku mase aku sakit, ade kerja yg baik, dpat tlg my students to reach their full potential, ada kebebasan nak baca komik, melayan citer korea n minat minnie sepenuh hati (huhuhu) so knape aku kene rase dunia ni x adil?
pade sesape yg x sudah2 nk melaser org mase kenduri tu, cukup2lah... bukan org x tau yg ko berperangai macam tu pasal ko sendirik ade banyak mende memalukan yg ko takot org tanye, tu sebab ko suke 'tembak' org lain dulu... haiz..... sudah2lah... cube ko nengok balik hidup ko sendirik dulu, kalau dah cukup sempurna dan x de cacat cela langsung barulah melayak kan ko me'laser' org laen... kalu x, bersyukurlah dgn ape yg ko ade... untuk org2 macam ni aku ade satu perkataan jek untuk korang.... KESIAN~~...... huhuhu.....
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