Blog 99: eh?

the similarities..

both main characters in these movies have the same illness as me...

 n both of them did not make it... 

the question is...

can i beat the odds?

and if it is my time to go...

will i be ready?

Blog 98: double standard...

hidup ni penuh dengan situasi double standard, kan? x pecaya? kadang2 aku rase situasi aku pon ade gak sikit2 elemen double standardnye....

bile manusia golongan aku yg ala2 saiz triple xxxl, yg sakit jantong or darah tinggi or kencing manis, serta merta pikiran org akan terus piker, tula.. sape suroh x jage makan? sape suroh melantak cam x penah nampak makanan? kalau filem melayu yg ade scene org tumbam musti ade scene makan macam raksasa gorgon.. amek peha ayam belasah makan macam x penah nampak ayam goreng... aish.... setau akula yg x penah kurus ni... x penah sekali pon aku makan cam dinasor t-rex, terpelanting sume ayam goreng n beef steak...

cube kalau aku ni selim melim 45 kilo, muka plak sejibik cam nora elena, tetibe cakap ade sakit jantong sure ramai yg simpati siap berlari2 dalam hujan lalu terjelepok jatuh melutut sambil menadah tangan ke langit skali ngan bercucuran air mata sambil berkata, "why God? why her? why do you make her suffer?".... haish....

bile aku cakap my heart is failing, ramai yg bagi first impression begini...

a) jaga makan tu, elak kan makan menda berkolestrol tinggi... cuba diet sikit, kurangkan makan nasik..

b) cube eksersais sikit, duduk jek... skali skala jogging ke, brisk walking ke... swimming ke....

pasal ape?... pasal aku x kurus... cuba kalau aku versi nora elena yg 45 kilo tu... takdenye org suruh diet ke, jogging ke... adil ke tak?

aku bukan nye marah, dah lama aku berhadapan dengan sikap sesetengah manusia yg double standard camni... dah x rase ape dah.. cuma kadang2 aku sedih bila kata2 nasihat ni datang from orang2 yg rapat ngan aku (relatives, colleagues etc) yg boleh nampak dengan jelas perbezaan aku bile aku sakit n bila aku rase ok sikit....

tapi ape yg aku boleh buat? mulut orang bukan aku boleh kawal... tula pasal kadang2 aku harap sangat supaya golongan yg suka bagi nasihat ni sila lah buat research sikit... don't get me wrong, bukan nya aku ni perasan bagos sampai tak boleh terima nasihat, cuma kadang2 nawaitu awal yg baik bile dah start makan dalam, dah jadik lain pulak ceritanye.... betol tak?

p/s: pada org yg pernah bertanya soalan cepumas ni.. yes, aku boleh berenang dengan baik n of coz aku boleh timbul dalam swimming pool... ape punya soalan daa... kayu balak pon boley timbul... soalan bajet nak wat lawak tp tang mana part klakarnye aku pon tak tau.. hais.. manusia.. manusia...

~DANIEL~

on each of the bad days of my painful life...

when i start to feel that feeling of lost and hopeless grief...

i close my eyes and picture the ones i love; my parents and siblings, my nieces...

and finally...

towards the very end...

he will always be there, with that special smile on his face...

my last piece of strength and hope... 

the last piece of the puzzle...

Blog 97: confounded..

a very chaotic day, with people busy filling their DG44 forms and making sure that everything is completed... i received the form with mixed feelings, on whether to fill it or not. technically, i am eligible to apply, i comply to the sufficient service time required and i passed the necessary exams needed... so why am i feeling like this?

people around me said that it is my right, i earned it fair and square, so what's with the long face?

personally, i lost the will to aim for all these increments and perks when i was jolted back to reality with the constant lingering feeling of guilt due to the fact that i did not perform as much as i am being paid, an issue that is always being brought up when my name was being mentioned... i was stripped bare with issues of what's right and what's wrong, the concept of halal and haram, and how my present condition was seen as being incompetent rather that me not being able to give and give like what i have been doing for the past 9 years of my teaching career..

people who understood my situation would say that i am being foolish, stupid enough to take heed of those useless people who love to vilipend and question my self worth and my capabilities... i appreciate their undivided faith n support but then again...

i am also an ordinary human being, with a good set of ears and a sensitive heart, a weak one but still sensitive nevertheless...

so do tell me what am i supposed to feel when i heard negative remarks towards me? i might cover them with my smile but pieces of me are crumbling, bit by bit....

thank you so very much that... i hope you will feel what i have been feeling all these while and if Allah is kind enough, HE will let me be there as a constant reminder of how much pain you have brought upon me...

Blog 96: RIP steve jobs!

Steve Jobs, the brain behind the apple technology passed away last tuesday after losing his final battle against pancreatic cancer..

a huge, huge lost to the world of technology... a visionary.. a superb inventor.. a risk taker... and most importantly, a person who knew how to use his limited time efficiently and brought a huge impact to everyone around him...

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important,  have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."                                                                          ~Steve Jobs 1955-2011~

RIP steve jobs... thank you for your wonderful contribution to humanity.. thank you for looking at your illness positively and make full use of all the time that you have to pioneer a revolutionary technology...

just a small thought...

with the time that i have... 

can i at least create a small tiny ripple in someone's life? 

i really hope i could....

Blog 95: opinions, anyone?

salam peeps!

xcited yg amat coz diz is my first entry yg aku type guna my MINNIE ie my beloved gelekshiteb.. hohoho... oleh krn aku ditinggalkan sume org yg sdg seronok berjimba di penang, terpaksalah aku update blogku coz aku tgh boring melampau.. heheh.. boley gitu?

tetibe aku terase nak tulis pasal mende ni pasal aku dah lemas jugakla bile banyak kali aku dengar mende yg same... pasal ape? pasal biznes yg adik aku buat.. sebelum aku menulis dengan lebih lanjut, ingin aku nyatakan disini yg aku bukan diupah untuk membuat apa2 promosi waima dibayar untuk menjatuh dan mengkondem mana2 pihak coz ape yg aku tulis ni hanyalah dr pengamatan n xperience aku sendirik melihat mende2 yg jadik depan mata aku...

aku xkan tulis ape mende biznes uda kat sini, sebab nanti boleh jadik kontroversi kate aku take sides or being biased, so kalu korang nak tau, carikla sendirik link dia kat blog aku ni, hokey... bile some of my friends n her friends n relatives or sape2 lah yg tau adik aku start biznes ni, banyak yg bagi pendapat2 yg pelbagai.. ade positive, ade membina, ade sceptical, ade interested, ade yg was was, ade yg geleng2 kepala, ade yg start bagi pendapat2 'bernas' sendirik n yg paling best... ade yg start mengutuk... (yg ni aku plg x boley layan...)

aku dah ckp yg aku tak kan take sides.. sume org ade hak masing2 nak rase camne, cume kenkadang aku agak pelik ngan sesetengah golongan manusia nih...mmglah zaman ni ade konsep freedom of speech tp jgnlah kita lupa, sebelum bukak mulut tu, pastikanlah kita tau sikit2 pasal ape mende yg kite nak komen supaya kita x kelihatan macam orang bodoh azali... buatla homework sikit, jgn main sedapjek bagi sedas dua pastu bile org counter attack, sendirik terkebil2 pastu start mencarut... hmm... mature, so verrryy mature.....  

mase my sis first kata yg she wants to do this thing seriously, i had 2 admit that i was worried... but don't get me wrong, my first concern was whether she would wake up one day after doing this business for years n years n felt that it was a mistake... tp sekali lagi aku terpikir.. kenapa aku sunguh jumud dgn berpikir demikian? aku try put myself in the same situation but in a different scenario.. would i wake up one day and feel that being a teacher is a big mistake? hmm... perhaps.. but how would i know if aku tak jadik cikgu on the first place, kan? so.. in order for my sis to know whether this thing is a mistake or not, the key point is that she has to try doing what she wants to do dulu... betul tak? n i am a firm believer that if you fail after you tried your very best is far better than being a coward, hiding and being scared of the 'what ifs' pastu sebab saje nak sedapkan hati sendirik, cuba nak cari negative points kondemkan orang yg actually decided to try n do the same thing yg korang x berani cuba... pada aku, org yang banyak cakap but no action ni bukan nya golongan yg 'play safe' (mcm ade yg sesetengah org kata) tp golongan yg pathetic sebenarnya... simple solution, just keep your 'helpful' opinion to yourself n keep your mouth shut becoz nobody ask for your opinion anyway....

next would be the concept of that biznes itself... aku xmau komen2 ape2 coz aku tak suka ckp pasal mende yg aku sendirik x 100% paham tp dr ape yg aku nampak, aku tau yg my sis jual barang yg dia sendirik keluarkan modal (yg bukannya semurah yg banyak org sangka, ye..) n dia dapat untung... so, ape bezanya dia ngan penjual product lain? i know how difficult n demanding her work is... aku yg nampak dia berjaga malam wat powerpoint presentations, preparing n devising her biznes plan, traveling all over malaysia to meet clients, checking n making sure her customers puas hati ngan produk tu from time to time dan 1001 thing yg org lain xnampak. ape yg pasti, aku x nampak pulak yg my sis tidur jek golek2 kat umah, karok siang malam n tetiba masuk duit ribu riban...  jd bayangkan betapa hanginnye aku bile ade manusia yg jadik uztaz/ustazah yg x bertauliah, sibuk ckp pasal konsep halal n haram... haishhh......

pada pandangan aku yg jahil ilmu agama ni, halal n haram is very difficult to justify dengan crystal clearnya... aku yg keje chegu ni pon x boleh kata yg gaji aku 100% halal... yg boleh confirmkan ialah Allah s.w.t shj... contohnya bila aku sakit teruk, masuk kluar wad n xpegi mengajar... boleh aku kategorikan gaji aku minggu tu duit haram coz i did not earn it? tp tak kan nak potong gaji aku sebab aku sakit n sakit ni bukan satu menda yg aku boleh kawal... so, macam mana nak letak hukum pada aku? susahkan? tula pasal, jgn mudah meletak kan hukum pada org lain... ape yg penting, aku tau situasi sebenar yg jadik pada aku n believe me, the guilt of knowing the fact that i still got paid by doing nothing is eating me bit by bit... it's definitely not a good feeling but deep down i know Allah knows best n i hope aku x lupa diri dgn mengambil kesempatan atas musibah yg berlaku pd aku, unlike SOME people... heheheh.... :)

so kesimpulannya... pada ku camnilah... a lot of us love to give our ten cent's worth... our own opinion but limit n channel it ke arah positif. aku tak kesah if ade yg voice out their concern sebab they sincerely care about others tp sadly kebanyakan manusia lebih suka jadik tukang kondem n tukang boo org bile org lain fail... right? but ask yourself this question, yg mana lagi hina? org yg cakap berdegar2 bumbung umah tp habuk pon tarak.. or org yg mencuba berkali2 walaupun dia banyak jatuh dr berjaya? pikirkanlah sendirik.....

Blog 94: the real meaning of 'sacrifice'...

a very simple question but it's very difficult to answer without being a hypocrite.. am i talking nonsense? mengarutkah aku di pagi hari ni? hmm...

the word sacrifice itself it very vague.. what would be deemed good enough to be considered a 'sacrifice'? doing something we hate or we don't like just because it's our responsibility to do so? having to shoulder huge demand from people around us who thought that it's our job so do something or to solve something or to give something, day in day out, 24/7...

the interesting thing to ponder is adakah segala pengorbanan ini berbaloi? adakah apa yang kita buat orang akan ingat? but then again, perlukah kita sibuk nak pastikan orang mesti ingat apa yang kita buat?

yup, i agree... we can choose to look away, to pretend that it's not our responsibility; on the first place, to be the one to cover up everything, to make sure that things will go smoothly, to uphold the family name and reputation, to make sure our loved ones are always smiling...

but at what cause? to be criticized for not having anything but in reality you used up everything you have for the others to achieve what they have now? forgetting what you want in life because you are so busy making sure of the well beings of the other people around you?

a lot of people choose to be hypocrites... classic statements like "la, ade problem ke? knape tak bagitau?" or "kalau korang tak bagitau memang sumpah aku tak perasan"... oh.. come on! you will KNOW if your loved ones around you are in dire need of assistance of any sort... if you don't realize anything, you are either blind, deaf or just plain stupid or ignorant.. personally, i would say stupid.... just because that would make more sense...

as for me, if i start to complain or whine or ungkitkan semua bende yang aku dah buat untuk orang lain, that is not 'sacrifice' anymore.. dah lari konsep, dah jadik riak... sorilah stament emo tapi pada aku memang betul pun.. bila kita buat sesuatu untuk orang, tapi tak habis-habis beritahu semua 'pengorbanan' kita dengan harapan orang ingat, itu dah salah nawaitu...

yup, people will remember... remember how pathetic a*****e you are, most importantly...

if you sincerely want to help someone, beri bantuan sebelum orang tersebut datang meminta bantuan pada kita, kalau kita memang sedar orang itu memerlukan bantuan kita... tak kan bende simple macam ni pun tak boleh nak faham?

kalau lah betul pun kita tak perasan, atau terlepas pandang, atau memang tak pernah ambil kisah pun... bila ade orang datang minta bantuan kita cubalah rasa bangga dan terharu kerana orang tersebut percaya pada kita untuk membantu dia menyelesaikan masalah dia...

kalau kita mampu, bantulah setakat yang boleh... kalau tak mampu, cuba fikirkan jalan sekali untuk membantu  orang tersebut.. ni kan peluang Allah bagi untuk kita tambah pahala dalam akaun kita...

tapi kalau awal-awal kita dah fikir yang orang ni nak ambil kesempatan, nak tumpang kesenangan kita... that's why i said it's easier to be hypocrites... pretending that we couldn't do anything to help padahal ada 1001 bentuk bantuan yang boleh kita beri... yang lebih dashyat... we do help, reluctantly.. and then we whine and we pinpoint every single thing that we do, hoping that people will know and realize how 'generous' we are... great, simply superb!

manusia2 ini boleh tidur nyenyak setiap malam kan? pelik.....

Blog 93: guilty....

just realized something, my other blog has reached more than 2000 hits eventhough i have not been updating it for the past 3 months... just out of curiosity, i asked my students about it..


the reply?

"kitorang slalu gak bukak tcer... mana tau kalau tcer update ke.."

*we always looked for new notes there, hoping that you will update..

aww man! talk about how irresponsible i am as a teacher.. sigh... my guilt is 'eating' me up..
sigh.....

Blog 92: my new love!

MY NEW GADGET!

Name    

MINNIE

Date of Purchase

2nd SEPTEMBER 2011

MY LIFE IS AWESOME!

Blog 91: second chances...

Syawal is about forgiving others and seeking for forgiveness... Zue, my daughter, made me very happy when she  showed her maturity by making the first move to do something with with her 'personal' issues... so much so that she inspired me to do the same with my own 'personal' issue.. hehehe.. 

and I could say I felt much better somehow... it's not that I've completely forgotten about it... how hurtful those words were but again being angry is very, very tiring... somehow, this negative feeling will always make me feel 'drained', as if my energy is being sucked slowly, and in the end.. I felt nothing because everything seems empty....

I made the first move and I am very proud of myself... I am proud because I am the better person, I swallow my anger and accept the fact that some people do make mistakes.. I make mistakes all the time too, so I am hoping that when it's my time to screw up something or make big mistakes, other people would also be as forgiving...

and I also could proudly say that I am much happier now......  :)

Blog 90: what happened to me...

hi peeps! sorry for the very long silence.....

as expected, i was warded again for a week just before Raya... aishhhh... couldn't complain much... kinda of expecting it to happen eventually... my feet have been swelling like forever and i feel like some of my meds are not as effective as before, so time to see the docs again! hehhe...

alhamdulillah... i managed to celebrate Raya with my loved ones after pleading to my cardiologist (with killer puss in boots cute eyes! heheh)... he sighed and gave me stern warning not to overexert myself.. ahhahha... yay! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!  ;)

the feeling of being able to be back home, surrounded by familiar happy faces was indescribable.. it makes everything seemed so perfect... so meaningful...

and if i have to endure more hardship, pain and agony... by all means... bring it on!  :)

Blog 89: surprise!!

been thinking about this for quite some time now..... 

well...

I'M GONNA WRITE A BOOK!

there! i've said it! i promise i will give the details about my latest project in my next post... 

bcoz rite now my life is like a living hell! busy.. busy.. busy...

till then!

Blog 88: sympathy? LOL !

I suffered from DCM, hypertension, asthma, sleep apnea, pneumonia and lastly acute gout. My feet swell almost everyday and I could not move that fast because I tend to get tired easily. I could not breathe well and I also have serious problem in getting a good  night sleep. These are the things that I have to deal in every single day.....

Dilated cardiomyopathy or DCM is a condition in which the heart becomes weakened and enlarged and cannot pump blood efficiently.

Hypertension (HTN) or high blood pressure is a cardiac chronic medical condition in which the systemic arterial blood pressure is elevated. 

Bronchitis is inflammation of the mucous membranes of the bronchi, the airways that carry airflow from the trachea into the lungs.

Sleep apnea (or sleep apnoea in British English; English pronunciation: /æpˈniːə/) is a sleep disorder characterized by abnormal pauses in breathing or instances of abnormally low breathing, during sleep.

Pneumonia is an inflammatory condition of the lung, especially of the alveoli (microscopic air sacs in the lungs) associated with fever, chest symptoms, and consolidation on a chest radiograph.

Gout (also known as podagra when it involves the big toe) is a medical condition usually characterized by recurrent attacks of acute inflammatory arthritis—a red, tender, hot, swollen joint.

* information taken from www.wikipedia.org

With all these important things in my mind, do YOU still think that I have enough time and energy to plot stupid, shallow actions like using a walking stick just to gain sympathy from others? For someone who is supposed to be much older, YOU sure sound pathetic to me... Please, go bully someone who has the same mental age as you do....  

Blog 87: menahan perasaan yg berbaur2....

nak tau semende? patients with terminal illness like me ade beberapa rahsia yg sebenarnya aku nak sangat cakap tp terpaksa tahan perasaan dek krn menjaga hati dan perasaan org2 sihat yg kadang2 begitulah dahsyat tahap ketidak sensitif an nye... nak tau ape mende yg aku ngarotkan nih? sila lah baca....

a)  kadang2 rimas gak asyik nak jawab bile org tanye aku ok ke tak bile berselisih dgn org... don't get me wrong, aku tau niat yg bertanya tu baik tp kalu dah nampak aku naik tangga cam siput **** sempot sambil terkengkang2 pasal kaki bengkak dua2 belah, bile org tanye 'u ok ke?'...haish... aku nak je jawab 'of coz la x ok.. sempot nak mampos nih.. dahla jalan cam tellytubbies kembang!' .... tp mengenangkan yg bertanya tu niatnya baik, aku pon jawab la baik2... (cube bayangkan kadang2 aku bertembung lebih dr 5 org dlm perjalanan aku ke staff room.. x ke tensen?)

b) bile tau aku ade penyakit jantong, ramai yg bagi nasihat x berbayar 'pasal ape x gi IJN?'.. buat pengetahuan sume.. IJN biasenye amek kes2 yg betul2 kronik tahap last resort dah or kes besar2 yg hosp biase x leh handle or surgery yg rumit2.. so kesimpulannya, tanpa disedari, soalan ni seolah2 dengan heartless bermaksud knape aku sakit jantung tahap biase jek.. knape x tahap gi IJN.. barulah org pecaya ko ni sakit jantong, kalu tak ko belakon jek tuh!.. hahahha!

c) ade gak golongan pemberi nasihat x berbayar yg sedap jek ckp... haaa..... camne x kene penyakit jantong.. badan tu tak jaga, gemok.. kolestrol tinggi... halo? aku ade DCM hokey, ade kaitan ngan heart muscle aku yg sememangnye lemah sjk lahir, bukan nye aku ade coronary disease.. aigoo.... aku dah buat full checkup every 6 months, gula aku ok, kidneys aku ok (for now...) n surprise surprise! kolestrol aku pon ok... doc aku cko org kurus pon boley dapat kolestrol tinggi... haa... tulah.. lain kali sebelum bagi nasihat, sila google dule ye carik info yg betol..... btw, yg tukang ckp tu dah check kolestrol ke belom? kang tetibe lebih tinggi dari aku punye kang baru ko taw!.. hahahh.. (aku tensen sebenarnya pasal aku tau org yg ckp tu nak perli aku pasal aku debab... hahhaa!)

d) bile aku ckp aku makan lassix (ubat nak keluarkan excess water from my body) ramai yg x paham ngape aku perlu MC or dtg lambat... nak kena kau cakap yg kenkadang air tu klua sesuka suki ke baru ko paham maksud sebenar bile aku ckp aku kena berkhemah dlm toilet tu? kang ade mende klua tanpe kusedari mase aku berdiri ngajar kat depan kelas kang baru tau! sape yg trauma? sape?!?  anak2 murid aku gak............

e) saya makan almost 25 bijik ubat everyday... bayangkanlah keadaan diri saya bile sometimes ubat2 itu memberi kesan yg pelbagai2... hahha... mmg kenkadang aku agak sewel tp nak wat camne? korang makan penadol ngan ubat batok je dah lesu satu badan kan? habes tu aku yg telan berkali2 ganda nih? lagi nak cakap sakit aku x cukup kronik... ceh!

jadi, jelaskah mengapa kadang2 perasaan ku berbaur2 antara marah+tensen+kesian n also rasa nak maki orag? haa.... tima kasih kerana membaca! 

Blog 86: when it rains, it pours...

assalamualaikum.....

lama x update blog.. been very2 sick lately... the latest, i added acute gout to my list of never ending pain n suffering n i could only say one word about gout...

HELL... pure hell....

this came from a person who endured two minor heart attacks n angio.. but seriously..... gout is pure hell....

the pain was indescribable... sejak aku sakit x pernah aku rase macam nak letupkan bumi ni... but the day when i got the attack, i was really hoping i could blow something up just to see something or someone else suffer instead of me...

punyala sakit gile.... i tried 2 be strong... tried to tell myself that this is another test for me.. a test to see whether aku boleh bertahan atau tidak... a test to see how strong i could be to fight all these.... a test to see my level of faith n the love i receive from those around me...

tapi ya Allah... kadang2 hambamu ini tertanya2... betapa lama lagi diriku dapat menahan semua dugaan MU ini?

Blog 85: my first crush....

long before my heart was taken by Minnie (hehhehe..) there was this one special guy who deserved to be in my journal....

he was my first celebrity crush... a real one... nope, not the stoopid bandwagon thingy like Yusry KRU (wtf intan???!!)..

how do i know he was different.. well, same like Minnie... I fell in love with his eyes first, because i could clearly see the 'pain' in there... his songs 'spoke' to me...i felt his pain and the feeling of loneliness.... i understand some of his view in life....

but he was gone, too early i think... because he could have been a legend by now... well, technically he is considered the legend but a LIVING legend could have been much better.... 

this is one of the things that i still could not understand until now... the world is full of pain and agony, i get that... but why was it so hard for you to see the other beautiful part of it? why couldn't you feel the love from people around you? why did you choose the easy way out by ending your own life?

it might end for you but for those who love and admire you for your passion, and those who could see up till now how special you are, the pain of losing you is still deep and bleeding... yup, even after these 17 long years ..... 

RIP KURT COBAIN

1967-1994

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

THIS IS OFFICIALLY 

MY 

100th ENTRY!

YAY TO ME!

~ congratulation n celebration... lalalalalalalalalala ~

Blog 84: aish.... knape jadik skema balik???

tetibe jek nengok my recent posts n baru tersedar yg i wrote everything in full english again... without me realizing it... aish....

as i've already stated in my recent post, my mind ni kadang2 mmg bengos... bile mase tah aku start tulis full english macam kertas muet.. pastu x sedar plak tu.. mmg betol la kot ade skru longgar dlm otak ku ini.. harharhar!

sebenarnye x de ape2 pon.. boley jek aku nk tulis camne2 pon.. my blog kan.. sukehati la aku nak tulis camne pon... kalu tetibe aku rase nak experimen gune bahasa jerman (ciptaan sendirik) or bahasa yabedabedabeda nuha cinta or bahasa pacap pacep pacap auliya ade sape2 kesah?? aish!!!

ade satu blog yg aku bace mase aku tengah blogwalking tulis a few things yg buat aku rase seday sikit... siap kutuk2 blog org yg konon2 x de follower lah... x de comment lah... siap boley kate buat ape tulis blog lagik kalu x de sape yg bace... siap kutuk org yg anggap blog ni macam diary, tulis mende2 yg sepatutnya simpan dlm otak sendirik jek... macam org laen berminat nak tau pon...

sume org ade hak nak cakap ape2 pon n aku x marah pon pd si penulis tu... mmg blog dia awesome pon,  ramai org baca n ramai giler org komen..  

well, pada aku mudah jek...

x sume org yg tulis blog pasal nak follower yg ramai berkepuk2.. or org komen non stop... ade org yg macam aku yg hanya nak merekodkan mende2 yg aku suka or things yg buat aku happy... cume kenkadang, aku rase ade gak mende2 yg aku tulis ni boley gak beri hiburan (ye ke? kes over perasan nih!!) pd org yg tetibe terblogwalk ke ruang bebelan aku ni...

aku amat2 open minded.. blog mencarot pon aku bace, blog emo yg asik2 pinpoint sume kekurangan+kesedihan+kesilapan org n mende lain pon aku bace, blog tah hape hape pon aku bace..just because i love reading something honest, something yg comes from the mind n the heart of the writer....

i read blogs about other heart problem patients yg kadang2 lebih teruk condition nye dari aku n serta merta aku bersyukur sangat2 yg keadaan aku lebih baik dari dia...

i read blogs from teenagers just to understand them better because i have to deal with them day in day out...

i read blogs yg fangirling si minnie sampai tahap mereng n gelak coz sebenarnya aku pon kenkadang aku rase gitu gak, cume aku lebih matang n waras... hehehe..... (btw.. minnie suka matured noona kan?? hahahah!)

i believe everyone has his/her own right to write about anything they want.. we, the readers yg ade our own right nak pilih mana blog yg kita nak baca... simple kan?  

Blog 83: check up time...

i happened to look at my cardiologists' appt. card and argghhhh! the date of my next checkup is approaching..... soon....

i won't lie to you.. i am afraid... nope, scrap that.. i am TERRIFIED... like, literally scared out of my wits thinking about what will happen during the checkup... is my heart healthier? am i getting better? are my meds working? so many questions but deep down inside.. i really.. really don't want to know the answer....

i know it's impossible that i'll be 100% cured, i get that fact crystal clear.. but the human in me will always have that little hope, that tiny 'what if' feelings, praying hard that all this thing is just a dream...

hey, a girl can hope, right?

Intan's poem collection vol. 3

i blog because........

i blog to vent my fury

i blog to express my worries

i blog because i got things to tell

i blog because i need a space to yell

i blog because my life is short

i blog simply because i'm bored

i blog because i am a terrible writer

i blog with hope that i could be better

i blog to tell all of you about my stories

my life and most importantly, my precious memories....

intannoorfaiza04062011

Blog 82: i hate this word.... ~death~

i know i seldom talk about this thing but that doesn't mean that i don't think about it all the time....

it's kinda difficult to ignore this fact if you are in my condition....

as much as i thought i am prepared for it (in a way... well, i know i should do more good things n upgrade myself to be a better Muslim).... i am still in shock when i heard that i lost another student last monday due to leukemia...

it hurts a lot because my student is supposed to grow up, enter uni, get a good job, start a family, do all those normal things that an ordinary 14-year-old should do....

but apparently Allah loves him more...

i cried... i cried because i am scared... i am scared to see how short a person's life could be... how everything would just end abruptly... like a short blow to a candle on a birthday cake...

haishhhh..... i hate this 'heavy' feeling in my chest... i really do.....

rest in peace amirul... u have been a very strong fighter to the very end and i wish i have the same strength  and courage like yours when my time comes....

to hidayu, it's been almost 4 years since you are gone and teacher still remembers you, up till now... 

Blog 81: awww.....

one very hot afternoon, in a very stuffy classroom filled with 30 noisy, boisterous students...

me : why are you guys so noisy? do you want me to turn into Hulk, only then will you listen to me?

boy : i think you will be a cute, PINK Hulk then, teacher.. hehehe...

THAT statement alone made me smile like an idiot for the whole day....  :)

Blog 80: FAQs...

after more than one year of writing, i am now confident and brave enough to answer some FAQs regarding my beloved blog.... here goes nothing....

1. You seem to be frustrated about something. When I read your blog, you are always complaining about your health, personal life, problems...

Errr.. first and foremost, I would like to apologize if the act of me whining about MY life in my OWN blog makes you feel uncomfortable. But then again, I started writing my blog as a subtle way for me to vent out my feeling without hurting other people... I don't force you to read everything here, so please respect my little secluded whining place, ok!

2. You are an educator. There is a chance that some of your students might read everything you wrote in your blog. Aren't you ashamed of some of your entries, especially under the 'iluvminnie' category?

I never published and advertised my blog to any of my students. Heck! I didn't think that they know it's my blog, to be honest. However, giving the fact that students nowadays are very internet savvy, I don't really mind if they stumble across my page and see the real me. Personally, I think it's fine for them to see that I am also an ordinary human, who actually have a colourful life outside school hours (haha!)

3. You are already 30. Don't you think it's a little bit spooky to be a crazy fangirl, especially to someone who is much younger than you?

Hmm.. I think a lot of people is confused because they thought I was being a typical crazy teenage fangirl. At 30 years of age, I think I am wise enough to know the real reason why Minnie is special to me. I don't think I need to explain further since no one would really understand.. hey! The heart wants what the heart wants so who am I to deny that he is one of the strongest reasons which help my weak heart to beat faster, eh? hehe....

4. You always project yourself as being the victim in some unfavorable situations. Is that true or you are just being biased?

There are always two sides to every story, right? I get to show the shitty things that happen to me from my point of view, so of course there will be a little form of biasness there. I can't be writing about these things and condemning myself after that, right? I have a heart condition, people.. not mental illness... geez!

5. When are you getting married? When are you going to realize that Minnie is just a dream?

Whaaaat? Who is this? Yana? Atie? Uda?... You guys are so gonna get it!!  ;P

Blog 79: the power of words...

words are powerful, don't you think so? sometimes, we tend to forget that certain words carry different meanings, hence the possibility of someone having a different understanding of what you are saying can happen... a lot of times......

sadly, it is also a good reason for something to be misquoted sometimes, either done unintentionally or not (by some people)....

i hate the fact that certain people are so dense sometimes, until they feel that everything i say will always carry negative remarks... but it got me thinking, though...

do i complain a lot? do i gossip too much? am i such a blabbermouth? queen of super laser turbo tongue who spew acid every time something came out from my mouth? wait... i hurt people with my words? wasn't that the other way round?

hmmm.... i though i have done a fine job by being the submissive one, the one who listens in meeting without any form of direct, rude back lash on anything (albeit stupid issues and petty things...) being discussed there...

the one who always says 'yes' even though my feet is already swollen three time its normal size, so walking to those relief classes are like modern day medieval torture sentence....

and yet i am the bad one... sighing means complaining with the intention of challenging what is being assigned to me.. and again i received all those awkward 'smile', weird 'hi' n 'hello' with meaningful glances and indecipherable look... which is supposed to intimidate me? or to scare me?

yup... and yet i am the bad one.... sigh.......

Blog 78: it's karma, baby!

KARMA... hmmm... watch My Name Is Earl and everyone can see why karma's a b*tch.. haha... i don't want to say that i believe in karma wholeheartedly (n as a Muslim, that's also unacceptable.. ) but sometimes i have to admit that karma do play a certain part in helping me to understand some things which are difficult for me to comprehend.. literally...

i believe in simple things... do good things and good things will happen to you... what goes around comes around... do shitty things n in the end you eat sh*t.. hahahahha.. plain n simple...

looking at my condition now, i know all these happen because of a reason... perhaps as a warning that i have forgotten some important elements in my life, especially in my own pursuit of personal achievements which are usually filled with layers of greed and negative pride...

i had my wake up call... my powerful smack right on my face.... and i am thankful for that... i am thankful that i am given the opportunity to 'open' my eyes, to have my chance to repent, to step back a few steps to admire other meaningful things around me, to have a chance to become a much better human being...

because of all these, i am really thankful....

Blog 77: why korean? i say.. why NOT korean?

i an an avid korean fan.. and i think everyone knows that...

i lurve korean dramas, films, artiste, songs, food, Suju, Minnie.. hehehe...

why korean? one might ask... some rude ones would even sarcastically snicker and said i'm crazy... crazy for being a fan of something only 'young' people would love... 

define 'young', please... i think a lot of young people love hindustani films n go loco while looking at the buff chiseled-faced actors but obviously the older fans are not considered pedophile, right?

just because i love something that is considered 'in' right now makes me weird? if i say i love modern pop korean songs suddenly i am a disgrace to my career as an educator?

people laugh when i say i like Minnie... 'perasan muda' they would say.... a cradle snatcher..a cougar (hahaha!) but i don't think all team edward fans out there are younger than him (also born in 1986! surprisingly!) so there nothing 'cougarish' there... haha!

looking at him makes me calm... i don't know why but it does... so SUE me.... aish!

well...for me, growing OLD is INEVITABLE but growing UP is OPTIONAL... i like what i like n i don't have to conform to what others expect of me, right? i don't tell u what u should like so there... shut the **** up!  

Blog 76: qaisara!

who is this?

it's qaisara!! my niece number 3...

isn't she adorable?...

oh yeah.. she's unni yaya's lil sis btw...

aigoooo.... look at these two cuties.... 

  qaisara.. OMMA WUVS U VERY MUCH!!

~aww.. shuckss omma... i wuv u 2... hehe..~

~~~coretan tahapehape 11~~~

 masuk last night dah 2 kali aku mimpi Minnie ckp melayu ngan aku...

dia ckp dia dah penat ngan sume mende nyanyi2 yg dia kene buat nih.. 

n he even asked me whether he could stay wif me in malaysia... hahahaha!

ngape ek?? apasal mimpi aku macam sakai jek?

pelik2 betol mimpi2 aku skarang...

aww... Minnie.... pliz don't change..... alwayz b my adorable cutiepie!

Blog 75: back to active blogging...

aigooo... so many things to do.. so little time given.. i am so super duper busy this year until i neglected the one thing that made me happy last year.. yup..my dear blog.... i'm so sorry....

i am indeed a very bad blog writer.. i used my blog only to vent out my frustrations and sadness and then when things get better.. i forgot about it.. i forgot how good i felt after i poured everything in it.. i forgot how therapeutic it was for my empty soul.. how my blog gave me strength to fight back every demon that came into my life...

NOT ANYMORE! now... back to more active blogging... more sharing of ideas n viewpoints on certain topics... more open display of raw emotion without any form of hypocrisy...

because i write for me... and that's what matters most....

Blog 74: in my dreams...

i have always wanted to have kids so that i would be able to bring them to my favourite bookshop and introduce them to the wonders of reading, books and literature...

one of my dreams... fulfilled....

:)

Blog 73: it is IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone...

i don't really know about everyone but i was born to be very alert about my surroundings.. VERY alert indeed and somehow i think it has started to become a curse instead of a blessing...

i am usually the first one to realize if something is wrong in any situation... or if someone is behaving differently from normal... and i HATE myself for realizing all these simple 'changes' because they are making my mind restless and my heart uneasy... because sometimes it's so pointless to be so empathic when everyone else can be unbelievably dense almost all the time.... 

i HATE myself for always thinking of others first... and always, ALWAYS neglecting what i want... 

i tried to be selfish at times but the guilt i felt after that was so bad so i am back at square one...

but one thing i couldn't stand is sometimes my constant effort to care about something is often overlooked by some people, so much so that some even think that i purposely do all these things to make their lives easier is because i am supposed to be the responsible one.. the one who worries... the one who stupidly care about things which are not my business anyway.. the one who is supposed to think about everything...

but then again... WHO ASKED YOU TO 'SIBUK' ON THE FIRST PLACE, MORON?.... nobody cares about these things so why would you?

TO CARE OR NOT TO CARE... choosing to care about unnecessary things which would bring unwanted annoying feeling of torment and discomfort? or choosing to be an ignorant ass***e  who seems happier when there are less things to worry about...

aish.... this world is already full of blockh***ds anyway.. do i want to be one, too? 

Blog 72: heart failure.......

What Are Heart Failure Symptoms?

You may not have any heart failure symptoms, or the symptoms may be mild to severe. Symptoms can be constant or can come and go. Heart failure symptoms are related to the changes that occur to your heart and body, and the severity depends on how weak your heart is. The symptoms can include:

• Congested lungs. A weak heart causes fluid to back up in the lungs. This can cause shortness of breath with exercise or difficulty breathing at rest or when lying flat in bed. Lung congestion can also cause a dry, hacking cough or wheezing.
• Fluid and water retention. A weak heart pumps less blood to your kidneys and causes fluid and water retention, resulting in swollen ankles, legs, and abdomen (called edema) and weight gain. This can also cause an increased need to urinate during the night as your body attempts to get rid of this excess fluid. Bloating in your stomach may cause a loss of appetite or nausea.
• Dizziness , fatigue, and weakness. Less blood to your major organs and muscles makes you feel tired and weak. Less blood to the brain can cause dizziness or confusion.
• Rapid or irregular heartbeats. The heart beats faster to pump enough blood to the body. This can cause a fast or irregular heartbeat.

THIS IS WHAT

 I HAVE TO GO THROUGH

EVERY SINGLE TIME!! 

ARGHHH!!!!!

Blog 71: I am BULIMIC..

I am bulimic..

No.. let me rephrase that...

I am BULIMIC ~ by force~

How? Easy... everything I ate, yep.. I mean EVERYTHING I ate will come out again and I couldn't stop it...

It's kinda tiring not to be able to stomach the thing I ate and this would also lead to extreme hunger, especially at midnight...

I couldn't even eat a full plate of fried rice or noodles... I couldn't even finish my sandwiches... but don't get it wrong... my will to eat is still strong...

I still drool when I see a full plate of ribs at Tony Romas, but after ordering it... I discovered that I only managed to eat one... and then the whole puking thingy starts all over again... and again.. and again...

IS THIS A CURSE? OR A BLESSING IN DISGUISE?

Maybe this is Allah's way to help me to lose some weight because I keep on failing to lose any weight since I started gaining it 20 years ago...

Maybe my 20 years of fat collecting process is too much already and my body is silently screaming for help...

But for now, I am bulimic by force and it sucked ~ big time~... :(

Blog 70: makcik noormah @ mama aku pissed off!! fuiyoooo!

ni bukan makcik noormah, hokey?!? mama aku lagi comey n vogue de vass dari ni.. hehehehe... kasik bodek sikit......

minggu ni my health x brape ok... tetiba datang balik sakit2 badan, muntah2, kaki 2-2 belah bengkak.. air x ley klua dr badan.. alah... the normal things, macamla sakit aku ni akan hilang secara majikanye kan? maybe ni sume pasal aku yg again lupa tahap keupayaan diri aku ngan berlebey2 buat kerja2 berat n kesana-sini kehulu-hilir seolah2 jantong aku ni dah 100% cured...

tp nak wat camne? bile aku rase ok sikit tahun ni mmg aku kenala buat lebey sikit kerja, tak kan nak melepek2 tunjuk aku x larat sentiasa pasal aku bukan org yg camtu... kalu sakit giler pun aku cube tahan, especially kalu aku kat skolah, n manusia2 yg amek berat pasal aku akan terperasan yg tetibe jek aku senyap, batok, tercungap2 n berpeluh2 x ingat dunia... itu manusia yg amek berat n kesah pasal aku lah..........

buat manusia2 yg x penah amek kisah, perubahan2 ini yg kadangkala berlaku dengan jelas, walaupon diorang nampak depan mate, tapi boley lagi wat donno n expect aku sentiasa ok, yelah kan.. macam sakit aku ni demam panas or selsema or 'asthma berpanjangan' ~ehem ehem~ yg boleh hilang sekelip mata bila nampak aku ok sikit or aku bergelak ketawa ngan kenkawan n anak murid aku...

so bile kebelakangan ni mama aku nampak aku balik slalu pancit cam arnab duracell abes bateri, makan sume klua balik, batok non stop sampai x leh tido malam, dia pon mule tanye...

"Along, hang kebelakangan ni sebok sangat mama nengok, hang dah dapat balik sume tugas hang kat skolah ke?"

"X lah mama, cume sebok sikit.. budak ade sukan, klas tambahan.. bla bla..."

"Skolah hang tau x yg hang sakit?" ~~ jeng jeng jeng~~ indikator yg mama aku dah mula naek hangin so aku pon wat donno takot die melenting...

beberapa hari selepas itu... (uiks?!? bile lak tetibe jadik cerpen nih??)

mama aku perasan yg muka aku down sikit bile aku bace sms from my no.1 bile aku tetibe inform die yg aku kene g check up kat spital... die tanye so aku cakapla yg my no.1 bising coz aku x tules kat whiteboard n susahkan orang nak wat relief... n that's when my mama burst...

"Knape org susah sangat nak paham yg anak aku SAKIT? Nak kene aku ke datang n SOUND sume org yg ***** tu yg hang ni x larat? Diorang x de mate ke? X nampak ke macam mane keadaan hang kat skolah? Bile hang asyik dok kate boleh jek jadik serta merta hang dah x sakit la? Dah hilang sakit jantong hang tu? Dah boleh gerak cam orang lain? Dah boleh tido cam orang laen? Haaa???!!"

time ni mama aku dah marah kaw kaw... aku teros terdiam kejap x tau nak respon ape... sedey pon ade coz aku tau mama aku pon sentiasa risau n sedey bile aku balik n terus collapse pasal penat sampai lupe nak makan... bangge pon ye pasal sampai aku dah 31 tahon ni pon die tetap nampak aku macam anak kecik dia yg perlu dia lindung sentiasa... klakar pon ade gak sikit2 coz care dia marah tu macam aku ni budak skolah, bukannye chegu skolah... haahhha.... aish.. mama ku ini....

xpelah mama, ape yg orang lain nampak or rase tu sume x penting.. selagi along tau mama sentiasa ada di belakang along, selagi tu along akan sentiasa kuat untuk melawan menda nih... jgn risau, org2 yg xde perasaan tu akan rasa jugak ape yg mama rasa satu hari nanti pasal Allah tu adil... mase diorang tengah senang skarang memanglah org laen sume x betol, langsung xde hati dan perasaan pd org laen.. takpe.. nanti bile diorang memerlukan simpati n budi bicara org laen, barulah diorang tau yg langit ni tinggi ke rendah...

mama jangan marah2, ok? along sedeylah nengok mama marah........... 

Blog 69: fighting a losing battle....

i used to be so bad... so vile... so horrible... so selfish... so ignorant... so stupid... 

i loved issues... i waited for conflicts... i couldn't wait to give my ten cent worth on anything, even though i knew the things i say or do will not change anything and sometimes they even made things worse... 

i always looked at people's negative aspects, finding faults on small trivial things... complaining and whining on petty, useless things... purposely looking away at any good things which were like huge, pink-coloured elephants standing right in front of me...

i was being a normal human being, so rotten and worms were actually coming out from the invisible wound i created inside me... 

i was so blind... so ignorant to the fact that i was wasting my time with all the negativity because truthfully, i thought i was immortal.. i had all the time in the world... yep, that's it.. i thought i had all the time in the world.... i was too proud... most importantly, i was  too blind.... 

time is a funny thing... humans do evil things on purpose while thinking selfishly that they will have time to repent later on... we postponed a lot of things because somehow we are so confident that we will have time to do all those thing later... we procrastinate without any feeling of guilt as if we have the power to control time... and sadly, i was one of these stupid, ignorant people.... 

when you have to fight so hard in a battle that you know, for a fact that the chances of you winning is actually zero.. it puts life and the concept of time into a whole new different perspective. 

when you have to rely on heavy dose of medications day in day out just to make your heart stronger but at the same time the same pills will ruin your kidneys, slowly... it does make you think sometimes on the real reason  why you have to fight this illness on the first place... 

because this time, i am actually fighting a losing battle... i am fighting for something important and sacrificing another important thing at the same time...  my 'war' doesn't have any winners or losers and it doesn't matter how many people are cheering for me because the truth is i am crumbling, one small piece at a time...

so, when father time smacks me and tell me that my time is not that long as i thought it would be, that i need to fight, perhaps on my last battle, i realize that i am actually fighting not because i want to WIN...  it's because i want to LIVE...

and believe me,,, when you face something like this, there's nothing more important than grabbing the limited time you have left because there are so many wonderful things to do, so many beautiful things to see, so many wonderful people to love, so many new stuff to try....

and that's the sole reason why i am fighting this... not because i want to WIN, it's because i really, really want to LIVE...... longer........ please...........................